Friday, March 22, 2013

Wishing for a Little Payback

Is it wrong of me that I just really want karma to bite my husband in the ass, really hard?

I just don't understand how it seems like he can just throw away the past 5 years without caring.  It makes me so angry.  My world is spinning apart and he goes out most nights and doesn't come home until I am already asleep. 

Although I believe if he was hurting as much as I am, then we would still be together trying to work things out.  Still, I want him to hurt.  I want him to feel lost and experience repercussions for being the selfish, lazy, asshole that abandoned me.

I just keep telling myself that I only have one more night sleeping in that house.  Then my younger brothers are driving down, packing up a truck, and we are taking everything up to Edmonton.  I will be back in Calgary on Tuesday morning to finish up a few things at the office - but I am going to stay with my VP of Sales for Tuesday & Wednesday night.

Thursday night I will make that trip north up the QE2 one last time.

A part of me never wants to see my husband's face again.  I just want to erase our whole relationship like the delete button on a computer.  It wasn't that it was all bad, it's just that I look back and fee like I got nothing out of our marriage.  Sure we had fun together, most of the time, but now it just all feels trivial and pointless.  I ended up gaining back most of the weight I lost.  I think it was a sign of how unhealthy the situation was for me.  I hate that I was so desperate for love and a future with a husband & children that I failed to step back and analyze what I was doing, take a sharp look at what I was getting into. I was naive.

I guess love really is blind.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

A Safe Place to Land

My parents are just so great.  I wish I had better words to explain all the love and support they have provided me through all of this. 

I was a mess on Friday.  I could not stop crying.  My hormones and emotions were all over the place.

On Saturday morning I called my mom.  Just hearing her voice made me feel so much better, but she also had some good things to say as well.  Here is a good summery of what we talked about.

My husband is just incapable of empathizing with other people.  He is selfish and unable to see the ramifications of his actions.  We would not be surprised if his mom drank while pregnant with him.  I remember talking to my MIL once and it was a few weeks before she found out she was pregnant.  So this might make sense.  If he was born a few years later, he may also have been diagnosed as having ADHD.  He just cannot keep his attention on any one thing, including people and relationships, for a long period of time.  He is restless, can't keep still, and doesn't like to just relax.  I hate to say this but he is just not that smart.  It might be due to a lack of attention and concentration.

I am unsure if he has ever been in a relationship where he has not been unfaithful.  He cheated on his ex-wife.  He started his relationship with me when technically he was still seeing his previous girlfriend.  In fact he slept with her, then drove to Edmonton for training, and then had his first date with me.  There was even another girl at that time that wanted to hook up with him, but he hooked up with me first.

It's hard for me not to see like our whole relationship was a huge mistake.  I was 30 when we started dating.  I wanted to find a husband and have kids.  I can look back on it and admit that I jumped at the chance for this too fast.  He was extremely charming, and at the beginning he said all the right things.  Still, a part of me wishes I saw the truth before I moved to Calgary.  Of course I have to stop with the "what if's" - I can't go back in time.

Sure the drinking was a problem, but to me this is bigger.  He is immature and for whatever reason cannot stop the inappropriate texts and emails.  He obviously has deep set issues and would really benefit from some therapy.  

I talked to my dad this morning.  Nothing serious, mostly about the weather, but the undertone was that he is always there for me.

I am almost all packed.  It's hard, but I know that I need to leave this toxic place and start new.  Is it wrong that I also want karma to bite him in the ass?  I want him to hurt as much as he has hurt me.  I am working on letting this go, but it will take time. 

Let me also just say again how awesome all of you are that have supported me through all of this.  Your comments are really appreciated. 

Monday, March 4, 2013


I am so confused right now.

I just want it to be April so that I am in Edmonton, getting settled, and surrounded by my family and friends.

My husband has basically left me for another woman - the co-worker that started at his job around the same time as him in September.  He may have moved back into the house we rent together on February 10, but we are in separate rooms, and he has spent about half his nights "out".

It's not fair that I am stuck here in Calgary with no friends, packing up my half of our life together, and he is out having fun.  It's like he doesn't care about me at all, like I and our marriage don't matter to him, and it hurts.

I am still so angry that he would not go to counseling, that he would not do anything to save our marriage.  Instead he turned to another woman.  He is a lazy, dishonest, prick with no respect for me.

When he is home we are nice to one another.  I still have feelings for him.  I can't just turn them off.

I am tired of getting emotional and crying - mostly when he is not around.  My heart is broken and he has just moved on.

He is so inconsiderate.  A couple of times when he has not been home overnight, he has not even had the decency to text me and let me know.  Ass.  I chastised him for it once, and he apologized, and then did it again this weekend.  He said I could text him but I don't want to bug and nag him.  I admit I also like to prove what a jerk he is to me right now. 

I took my wedding ring off after one night when he did not come home.  He has not been wearing his since January. 

We wrote up our separation agreement and he has an appointment to set up his new bank account on Wednesday.  I can't wait until our finances are no longer tied together.  He is so horrible with budgeting.  He went to Banff with his girlfriend (is that what I call her?  Maybe EBC, for evil bitch co-worker, I kind of like that.) over the long weekend in February while I was in Edmonton.  He took my vehicle and did not factor in the extra gas - so I had to pay for that.  Then he overspent again last week and begged me for money before I left for Toronto.  He is in for a huge wake-up call when I move out.  I have no idea how he managed when he was on his own before we moved in together.  I know I should have not given him money, but I just can't be that mean.  I need a backbone.

His mom sent me a facebook message.  She was sad and wished we could have got help.  Well then talk to your son, because it often seems like he listens to you more than me.  I would done anything (well almost anything) to keep us together.  I still don't understand why he gave up on us.

It feels a bit better to get that all out.