Settling In

It's hard to believe that it has been a month since my last post.  A lot has happened in the past few weeks.

A cousin of my husband's visited us from March 26th to the 31st.  Her daughters were in a synchronized swimming competition and we had agreed she could stay with us months ago.  It was fine, but my husband forgot to remind me that she was coming until a few days before she arrived.  Also, the one night he left us to hang out together while he went to be with his girlfriend. 

My two younger brothers helped me pack up all my stuff in a rental truck on March 23.  He headed up to Edmonton the same day and unloaded.  The next day when we returned the truck would have made a funny episode of a comedy show.  First my brother's phone was having issues so it died and his alarm did not go off.  When he finally showed up, my vehicle would not start, and so I drove his.  Except he has a loose battery lead, so he had to wiggle the wires to make it start.  Then we got separated, and since his phone was dead I could not call him.  Plus the address I gave him for the drop off location was incorrect.  We tried to relay messages through our other brother back at home.  His vehicle died on me again.  Finally we met up at a different Budget location and dropped off the truck. 

I stayed in Edmonton for a couple of nights and then headed back to Calgary on the morning of March 26 for my last few days in the Calgary office.  I stayed with my former manager at her home.  On March 28 I drove back to Edmonton for Easter with my family.  April 1 to 5 was my first week in my new position.  Then back to Calgary from April 8 to 10 to train my replacement.  Today I am in Edmonton, but covering the receptionist.  On Wednesday I am back in Calgary again for two days.  Hopefully it will be the last of all of this back and forth.

My bedroom and bathroom are all set up at my parent's house.  In the basement I have my couch and I got Shaw to set up my PVR on my brother's tv down there.  He also moved his recumbent bike out of his room, so we can both use that for exercise.  I just need to unpack the last few boxes of books/CDs/DVDs this week. 

At first it was a bit weird, almost like I was visiting.  Slowly I am getting settled.  After three trips back to Calgary (including this week), I think I will finally have all of my stuff in Edmonton.  I am tired of all the hoops I have to jump through, especially in regards to the vehicle.  Sometimes it feels like I am being punished when my husband was the asshole that gave up on our relationship and cheated on me. 

I have gone to two Weight Watchers meetings with my one BFF, and saw a movie with the other BFF. 

Everything will work out for the better, it's just a bit of a rocky road right now.  The month of May will have less traveling.  The month of June will be when I can truly start to make a dent in my debts.  I also want to plane a trip to the house in Victoria this summer.  I am actually looking forward to the future.  That is a good thing.

Wishing for a Little Payback

Is it wrong of me that I just really want karma to bite my husband in the ass, really hard?

I just don't understand how it seems like he can just throw away the past 5 years without caring.  It makes me so angry.  My world is spinning apart and he goes out most nights and doesn't come home until I am already asleep. 

Although I believe if he was hurting as much as I am, then we would still be together trying to work things out.  Still, I want him to hurt.  I want him to feel lost and experience repercussions for being the selfish, lazy, asshole that abandoned me.

I just keep telling myself that I only have one more night sleeping in that house.  Then my younger brothers are driving down, packing up a truck, and we are taking everything up to Edmonton.  I will be back in Calgary on Tuesday morning to finish up a few things at the office - but I am going to stay with my VP of Sales for Tuesday & Wednesday night.

Thursday night I will make that trip north up the QE2 one last time.

A part of me never wants to see my husband's face again.  I just want to erase our whole relationship like the delete button on a computer.  It wasn't that it was all bad, it's just that I look back and fee like I got nothing out of our marriage.  Sure we had fun together, most of the time, but now it just all feels trivial and pointless.  I ended up gaining back most of the weight I lost.  I think it was a sign of how unhealthy the situation was for me.  I hate that I was so desperate for love and a future with a husband & children that I failed to step back and analyze what I was doing, take a sharp look at what I was getting into. I was naive.

I guess love really is blind.

A Safe Place to Land

My parents are just so great.  I wish I had better words to explain all the love and support they have provided me through all of this. 

I was a mess on Friday.  I could not stop crying.  My hormones and emotions were all over the place.

On Saturday morning I called my mom.  Just hearing her voice made me feel so much better, but she also had some good things to say as well.  Here is a good summery of what we talked about.

My husband is just incapable of empathizing with other people.  He is selfish and unable to see the ramifications of his actions.  We would not be surprised if his mom drank while pregnant with him.  I remember talking to my MIL once and it was a few weeks before she found out she was pregnant.  So this might make sense.  If he was born a few years later, he may also have been diagnosed as having ADHD.  He just cannot keep his attention on any one thing, including people and relationships, for a long period of time.  He is restless, can't keep still, and doesn't like to just relax.  I hate to say this but he is just not that smart.  It might be due to a lack of attention and concentration.

I am unsure if he has ever been in a relationship where he has not been unfaithful.  He cheated on his ex-wife.  He started his relationship with me when technically he was still seeing his previous girlfriend.  In fact he slept with her, then drove to Edmonton for training, and then had his first date with me.  There was even another girl at that time that wanted to hook up with him, but he hooked up with me first.

It's hard for me not to see like our whole relationship was a huge mistake.  I was 30 when we started dating.  I wanted to find a husband and have kids.  I can look back on it and admit that I jumped at the chance for this too fast.  He was extremely charming, and at the beginning he said all the right things.  Still, a part of me wishes I saw the truth before I moved to Calgary.  Of course I have to stop with the "what if's" - I can't go back in time.

Sure the drinking was a problem, but to me this is bigger.  He is immature and for whatever reason cannot stop the inappropriate texts and emails.  He obviously has deep set issues and would really benefit from some therapy.  

I talked to my dad this morning.  Nothing serious, mostly about the weather, but the undertone was that he is always there for me.

I am almost all packed.  It's hard, but I know that I need to leave this toxic place and start new.  Is it wrong that I also want karma to bite him in the ass?  I want him to hurt as much as he has hurt me.  I am working on letting this go, but it will take time. 

Let me also just say again how awesome all of you are that have supported me through all of this.  Your comments are really appreciated. 

Venting

I am so confused right now.

I just want it to be April so that I am in Edmonton, getting settled, and surrounded by my family and friends.

My husband has basically left me for another woman - the co-worker that started at his job around the same time as him in September.  He may have moved back into the house we rent together on February 10, but we are in separate rooms, and he has spent about half his nights "out".

It's not fair that I am stuck here in Calgary with no friends, packing up my half of our life together, and he is out having fun.  It's like he doesn't care about me at all, like I and our marriage don't matter to him, and it hurts.

I am still so angry that he would not go to counseling, that he would not do anything to save our marriage.  Instead he turned to another woman.  He is a lazy, dishonest, prick with no respect for me.

When he is home we are nice to one another.  I still have feelings for him.  I can't just turn them off.

I am tired of getting emotional and crying - mostly when he is not around.  My heart is broken and he has just moved on.

He is so inconsiderate.  A couple of times when he has not been home overnight, he has not even had the decency to text me and let me know.  Ass.  I chastised him for it once, and he apologized, and then did it again this weekend.  He said I could text him but I don't want to bug and nag him.  I admit I also like to prove what a jerk he is to me right now. 

I took my wedding ring off after one night when he did not come home.  He has not been wearing his since January. 

We wrote up our separation agreement and he has an appointment to set up his new bank account on Wednesday.  I can't wait until our finances are no longer tied together.  He is so horrible with budgeting.  He went to Banff with his girlfriend (is that what I call her?  Maybe EBC, for evil bitch co-worker, I kind of like that.) over the long weekend in February while I was in Edmonton.  He took my vehicle and did not factor in the extra gas - so I had to pay for that.  Then he overspent again last week and begged me for money before I left for Toronto.  He is in for a huge wake-up call when I move out.  I have no idea how he managed when he was on his own before we moved in together.  I know I should have not given him money, but I just can't be that mean.  I need a backbone.

His mom sent me a facebook message.  She was sad and wished we could have got help.  Well then talk to your son, because it often seems like he listens to you more than me.  I would done anything (well almost anything) to keep us together.  I still don't understand why he gave up on us.

It feels a bit better to get that all out.

Silver Linings

My life is not all gloom and doom.  There are a few moments of sunshine here and there.

As of Feb 9 I am down 19 pounds since I started back at WW, and a total of 26 pounds since May 16.  I am back under 300 pounds, and my next goal is to lose a total of 25 pounds with WW (6 pounds to go).  I admit that with the separation and the three work events over the past three weeks, I have not been following the plan.  I missed my weigh in on Saturday as I was in Edmonton with my family.  Hopefully I have not actually gained any weight at my weigh in this Saturday, but if I am up about a pound, I will be ok.

When I was in Edmonton over this past long weekend I met up with one of my best friends.  We had coffee and talked.  I plan to attend WW meetings with her on Tuesday evening once I move.  We also talked about going to aquasize together too.  Losing weight is always easier when you have a buddy.

I also got the chance to speak to my aunt (and my company's President and CEO) on Saturday.  I walked over to her house and we shared a cup of tea.  She had spoke to the other VP at the company (the first is the VP of Sales, my direct boss, who is here in Calgary) on Friday after hearing about the separation from my mom (her sister).  There is an excellent opportunity in the circulation department that I have decided to take.  I will be making $3800.00 more a year to start, and $4300.00 more a year after 6 months.  Not only that, but this position has the potential for advancement, where my current one does not.  I am actually very excited about this and it is a much better option compared to trying to find a new job on top of moving back to Edmonton.

My online course is going well.  The first few modules are all about computers and the Microsoft Office programs, all of which I am comfortable with, so I have been working through the online tutorials and assessments quickly.  I am experiencing a few problems with the keyboard on my laptop, but hopefully I will have that resolved this week.


 “I learned the hard way that I cannot always count on others to respect my feelings, even if I respect theirs. Being a good person doesn’t guarantee that others will be good people, too. You only have control over yourself and how you choose to be as a person. As for others, you can only choose to accept them or walk away.”

~unknown

Rolling In The Deep

I was trying to work on my online courses on Saturday while listening to music.  Adele's song "Rolling In The Deep" came on, and I just started crying.  The lyrics were just hitting too close to home for me.  Luckily I was able to get a hold of one of my best friends (first through texts and then on Skype).  I felt a bit better after the conversation.

My husband moved back home on Sunday.  He was butting heads with the friend he was crashing with since I got back from Edmonton.  He brought back all his clothes and stuff, but I am now sleeping in the second bedroom. 

We had another serious talk on Monday evening. 

He said he missed me while we were living apart, that he still loves me but he is not in love with me. 

He doesn't want to go to counseling, he doesn't think it will work.  It seems like he is not willing to do anything to improve our relationship and see if we can save our marriage.

It just makes me so angry and frustrated and hurt. 

All relationships experience highs and lows.  We were in a bit of a down period and his reaction is to turn to other women?  To increase his drinking?  I just can't understand how he could think this would help.  I know we are not the best at communicating, but he should have known that all he had to do was talk with me about how he was feeling. 

He complains about how he had to initiate sex all the time, and when he stopped, we stopped having sex.  This is only partially true.  There are plenty of times when I started things, but I also did not want to make love with him when he was drinking.  I told him I wanted to work on our physical relationship plenty of times, but I was feeling like I had to do all the work. 

We have just not been partners lately.

I finally got him to admit that he wants to officially separate.

We are going to start by sitting down on Thursday and going over the finances.  We will set up a separate bank account for my husband.  Then I guess the next step is finding him a place to live.  I think we would be living apart by April, maybe May if he is having trouble with the rental search.  There is not really any rush, except that I want to move forward. 

I can't wait to be back in Edmonton.  Where I have the support from my friends and family - that they will physically be there for me.  My safe haven.  My soft landing place so I pick myself up again.

My heart is broken, but I am strong.  I can still see this going either way (reconciliation or divorce), but I will not have him back in my life because I am lonely.  I deserve to be loved and feel like I am special.  


The scars of your love remind me of us 
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all 
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless  
I can't help feeling
 
We could have had it all  
Rolling in the deep  
You had my heart inside your hand  
And you played it to the beat 

  - Adele

Limbo

Still here, living in limbo . . . I am so frustrated and tired.

I was in Edmonton living with my parents and youngest brother from Saturday January 19 to Sunday January 27.  Packed that Saturday morning, stopped at the office to grab my computer and hit the road.  Weather was good until I was about an hour from my parents house, and then it began to snow.  A few more kilometres down the road there was an accident and traffic stopped dead for about 30min.  Eventually I made it home. 

I worked out of the head office of my company for the week.  It was nice, being able to interact with all the people I usually only get to talk to on the phone or through emails.  There is a possibility that the sales assistant in Edmonton might not last in the job (whether that means she quits or is let go), I would jump at the chance to take over.  I let my aunt (the CEO) know that I should be the first person they talk to about filling the position.  Our Vice President of Sales seems a little resistant to this, but I am sure she would prefer finding one person for Calgary over having to find two new people (me and a person in Edmonton).  Because I just don't see myself staying in Calgary for much longer.

When I got back to Calgary on the 27th, my husband packed up and is crashing at his friend C's house.  He is still there and planning to come home next Sunday?  I think? 

We talk, well text and instant message - but it's all superficial.  Discussions about our hockey pool, and the budget for the week, and my cold.  Ya, on top of everything I caught my mom's cold and was sick all this past week.  Only missed one day of work and still helped out with a big luncheon event we held on Tuesday.  Anyway, I really think one of the things I need to do this week is just suck it up and ask my husband a couple of serious questions.  Even if that is over texting.

What I want is to be number one in his life, for him to stop flirting/texting/emailing etc other women, and for him to get counseling for the drinking.

Not unreasonable.

I just don't know if he is willing to do that.  To work on things and fight for us.