Betrayed

I keep playing the "What If" game.

Questioning and going over every moment in our relationship.

Would it change where we are now?  Maybe.  But I don't have a time machine and I am not a magical being, so I have to accept the here and now.

Back in May, I wrote about how I found a bunch of flirty texts between my husband and the next door neighbour.  I thought that it was just numerous inappropriate messages and some making out - but turns out he got really drunk and had sex with her one time.  I am still not sure if it was the Friday we had her over for dinner after I broke my ankle (What If I confronted him about how uncomfortable I was with their "friendship" earlier), or the next one when I was in the hospital.  Doesn't matter.  He says he had no feelings for her, it was just a drunken mistake.  Um, were you drunk every time you texted her or gave her a ride to work?

I think I knew deep down they slept together.  I remember going to bed early on the Friday we had her over because I was not feeling good (What If I told her to go home), and I cried myself to sleep because I wished my husband would tell her to go home and take care of me.

My husband went with AM to a concert, put on by our friends G & O with the band.  He of course got drunk, and told G about cheating on me (What If he never told G).  He was an asshole and bragged about it.  G felt awful, told O, which I understand because she is his wife.  Then he told AM?  Who went and told J & L.  None of them stopped to think, maybe I should talk to his wife (Me)?  Instead they stopped inviting us to get-togethers.  They gossiped and talked about us behind our backs for 11 weeks.  September long weekend they finally confronted my husband and said that if he didn't talk to me, they would.  Um it took you 11 weeks?  My husband ended up telling me all about it that night.  By the end of the weekend 7 other people knew about the infidelity.  I felt exposed and hurt.

The girls tried to talk to me.  We had dinner once.  All I got out of it was that E was too occupied with being very pregnant (which actually I understand and do not fault her for), L somehow made it about her own parent's marriage?, O gave me some books and such to turn to.  We were going to spend more time together but it never happened (What If we had all made a better effort to spend time together).

Then I guess L told K - one of my bridesmaids - about the cheating.  She has been friends with my husband for over 10 years.  Somehow K also made this about her, and started lying about how she was the reason for my husband's first marriage breaking up? (What If my husband stopped trying to remain friends with his ex's?)  Um, he had never said anything like this to me.  Yes, he slept with K, but it was after he separated with his ex.  Even if it wasn't, the marriage was a mess.  His drinking was an issue back then.  She was not the reason they separated. 

L took K's side (What If K knew that E was questioning the paternity of her youngest?).  Whatever.  K was never really a friend.  She helped my husband get his divorce finalized (she works for lawyers), and helped pick my wedding date, and she was there when we got engaged - but the night before she tried to convince him not to do it?  She helped me find my wedding dress, she was a part of the wedding party, but she kept putting down my maid of honour? 

I don't know what really happened that made her decide to delete myself and my husband off facebook, and stop texting my husband too, because she never talked to either one of us (What If K texted my husband before she cut us out of her life?).  All I got was a couple of sentences from L about how K was mad at us, and the remark about how we told people that she was the reason his first marriage broke up?  I just feel it was really immature.  And it just confused me.

So now not only do I feel betrayed by my husband, but I also feel like none of my friends had my back.

I can't wait to spend time with my family and my best friend.  They all definitely support me 100%.  I also just wanted to thank all my online friends as they also have sent me messages and even that small bit makes me feel a little less alone.

Alone

Thanks for the comments, it feels good to know someone is listening.

I feel so alone right now.

My husband is one of my best friends.  He is my only friend in Calgary.

When I first started dating my husband we still worked at the same company.  He was living with two co-workers (both service technicians), that I also talked to everyday at work.  The "boys" (which included the three that were roommates plus some other service techs) would get together on Fridays to play poker.  I loved driving down and hanging out with all of them.

Slowly they all disappeared from our life.  First one of the service techs moved to the US to be with his girlfriend (they are married now and have 2 kids).  Then one of my husband's roommates and his girlfriend got pregnant, moved in together, and eventually moved to Edmonton for a new job/schooling.

When I moved down to Calgary, we had a new friend that lived close.  We would go over to her house for weekend parties.  It was here that we met G & O, which led us to the fact that A & L lived just down the alley from us.  We formed this tight group of what eventually became four couples (the two mentioned above and J & L).

Now we don't hang out or talk to any of those people.

Mostly because they had a big fallout with my husband in early September.  Yes, my husband's drinking sort of started the problems.  But soon I figured out that they were not really friends, just people we hung out with all the time.  They could see the problems I was having with my husband, and they did nothing to support me.  I talked to the girls of the group about how we should talk and hang out together more often.  I left the ball in their court and it never happened.

We lost another friend as well.  One of my bridesmaids.  But she was really only in our wedding because it made my husband happy.  That is a post for another day.

So here I am, needing to be with friends, and everyone I love is at least 300km away.

To start with I am going to spend extra time in Edmonton with my family and friends over Christmas.  I have from Dec 22 until Jan 1 off work (back on Jan 2).  So I will take the bus on Saturday and not go back to Calgary until the 30th.

Lost

It has been a while since I have blogged.

Mostly because my world has been slowly falling apart.  My relationship with my husband and my marriage are a mess.  Part of me wanted to run here and see if getting it all out would help.  Until now a bigger part of me was worried about any possible ramifications of venting on a semi-private blog,

I'm not sure how I ended up here.  And by here I mean this place in my life.

5 years ago I danced with a co-worker and friend at the annual company holiday gala.  It led to flirty texts and long p hone conversations.  Then drinks and making out and sex.  Trips back and forth between Edmonton and Calgary.  I fell in love, I moved away from my friends and family.  We got engaged and married.

I am trying so hard to not see this as 5 years I wish I could get back.

My husband is an alcoholic.  He has admitted this, and yet struggles to do anything to "fix" this.  I guess fix is not really the word I want to use.  He will try to not drink.  Up to 5 or 6 days in a row.  The withdrawl causes headaches.  He always ends up finding some reason to fall of the wagon.  He does not seem to want to go to counseling or AA or rehab.  His parents also drink like fishes, although a bit less, but still almost everyday.  It was how he was raised.  I am not making excuses, im fact it makes me angry that we can't find support with his family to stop drinking.

In relation to this he is horrible with money.  While I am looking into taking courses to improve my career options (becoming a legal assistant) - he feels stuck in low end office jobs.  He actually loves what he does at his current job (booking coordinator for a tax company), but he does not get paid enough.  So we struggle financially and this is made worse by him wanting to either buy liquor or go out for drinks.

On our first dates we talked about having kids in the future and how many and what we would name them.  About 3.5 years ago I stopped taking the birth control pill.  A conversation about starting to trying to conceive that he initiated.  Then a few months later we got engaged.  I never went back on the pill.  But nothing has happened.  35 or so cycles and not even a hint of a possibility of being pregnant.  I am not even sure I can have kids.

Now he is saying that he doesn't want kids at all. 

This just messes with my head.  I have lost count of the number of times we have talked about our future children.  I also really want to be a mother.  If it turns out that this is not physically possible, ok, it will hurt, but at least my husband is not taking away this option. 

He just sees the negative.  That if we had a child, and then the marriage still failed, he would have another child taken away from him,  And this one would be biologically his.  He is worried about his drinking and that he would end up yelling at our child, as he did with his step-daughter.  He doesn't think that he will change his mind about this. 

We are both confused and have no idea if we want to somehow move forward (marriage counseling and individual counseling) or just separate.

I do know that we both love one another.  But it might not be enough. 

It sucks that everything is happening right before Christmas. 

We are still friends, but not really lovers right now.  We have agreed that we want to continue to spend Christmas with my family as planned. 

I have no idea what 2013 will hold in store.  I don't know what I want it to look like.  Is is a brand new start?  Or is it working hard at what I have now.  Sort of a renovation or relocation of my life.

All Muddled Up

My mind has been all over the place lately.  Let's see if can get this out and have it make sense.

I have always seen myself as a mother.  I love children and interacting with them.  On the other hand, I don't want to be over 40 and still trying to conceive.  While I completely support adoption, unless something drastically changes with our financial situation over the next year or two, I just don't think we would be accepted. 

My husband was burned badly in his previous marriage.  The last few visits he had with his step-daughter were torture.  He would have to fight with his ex to see her, they would often have arguments during the pick-up/drop-off, and the whole thing made him upset.  She was 7 the last time he saw her around Christmas in 2007.  He tried to tell her how much he loved her, but she just hid her face and looked sad.  What the hell was her mom telling her?  He thought it would help if he stopped visitation for a while.  Unfortunately his ex took this opportunity to cut him completely out of their lives. 

If only he had the money to adopt her back when they got married.  If only he had the money to make sure he got shared custody when they separated.  Lawyers were just not possible, and when it came down to the divorce she paid for most of it because she was getting remarried, and it was cheaper if he did not contest anything. 

On top of that, turns out his ex is unable to have anymore children.  She had some testing done when they got married.  He never understood why, but from the tests it sounds like maybe her tubes are blocked?  He had a sperm test done after they separated, just for piece of mind, and at that time it was fine. 

So while he would be overjoyed to have a child with me, he is also fine if it is just the two of us. 

I would rather spend the rest of my life with him without children, then leave him just so I could have a child.

This is what keeps both of us from moving forward beyond not using birth control.  That and my weight.  As well as life continuing to get in the way, I keep turning around and it is a few months later.

I know that we should both get some initial testing done.  Another problem is that I do not have a GP.  I sort of have a doctor listed on my records after the whole broken ankle and gallbladder issues.  I should just call her office (she does walk-ins and appointments), and see if she can send me for blood work as well as an HSG and Laparoscopy (as I worry about Endometriosis).

Of course I know our major issue is RW's messed up head and his issues with anejaculation.  We have discussed really TTC in September/October.  So my plan for now is to hope that communication and really giving it a good try will result in a BFP.

Can this please just work, please?

Wednesday Weekly Weigh-In (on a Thursday)

Well really this is Week #4, even though it is my second weigh-in - so hopefully I can continue from here with actually weekly updates.

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal.

Starting weight:  303.0        
Last Week's Weight:  over the past few weeks I saw 301 and 302 on the scale

Current Weight: 304.2
Goal Weight : 288

My first goal is 5% of my starting weight.  I like breaking down a large goal into smaller, manageable pieces.      

Starting BMI: 44.74
Last Week's BMI:  44.74

Current BMI: 44.92 (morbidly obese)
Goal BMI: 35 to 39.99 Obesity (Class 2)

(from this website http://www.bmi-calculator.net)

Again, one step at a time.  My first BMI goal will be to get down to the next level.  This will happen at around 270 pounds.  So I will focus on my weight goals first.



2. Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals.

 A.  30 min of activity everyday
 - go to the gym after work on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday
 - walk at lunch on Tuesday and Thursday
 - play Wii exercise games on Saturday and Sunday

My ankle is finally completely healed - well the bone - but the muscles/tendons are weak and sore.  So I think I am going to adjust my goals to go for a walk everyday and build up the strength.  I am also starting physio.

B.  Eat less/better
 - count Weight Watchers points, right now I get 50 per day
 - drink 1L of water and 2 glasses of milk a day
 - 3 servings of milk products (see above plus yogurt) everyday
 - 5 servings of fruit and vegetables



3. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.

I am going to focus on my Eat less/better goals this week.  Especially keeping a food diary and counting WW points.  As well as drinking lots of water.

I also want to take some before pictures and monthly measurements. 

Michele @ Nowhere in NM (TTCer)

Mag @ Witty Infertility (TTCer)

Shannon @ Arkansas Runner (TTCer)

Donor Diva @ Motherhood via Egg Donation (TTC#2)
Ren @ The Brooding Woman (TTCer)

The Cornfed Feminist (pregnant)

Kristy @ Relaxing Doesn't Get You Pregnant (pregnant) 

Nico @ Phred, Fwed, and Schweffel (postpartum) 

One Day @ Are We There Yet? (postpartum - twins) 

Laura @ Legos and Jets (postpartum) 

Bridget @ The Lost Stork (postpartum)

ks @ Inconceivable!?!?! (postpartum) 

jenn @ Adventures of a Nomadic Housewife (postpartum)

Meghan @ Maybe Baby, It's You...Two! (postpartum - twins) 

Just Us & A Miracle Baby too! (postpartum)

Heather @ The Road Less Traveled (postpartum)

DRMama @ Life Amongst the Palm Trees (postpartum) 

Emma @ Emma in Mommyland (postpartum)

E&R @ Dreaming of Babies (postpartum)
Helen @ Our Grand Adventure (postpartum)

The Women I Respect Most

First off - my ankle is completely healed!  No need for even an ankle brace.  I did get a referral for physiotherapy.  I am wearing my sneakers today instead of one shoe and the boot (air cast), and it feels great.

My mom and my aunt are two of the strongest women I know.  They took very different paths in life, but they are both members of the ALI community. 

I have talked before about how my parents had no trouble getting pregnant, but experienced great difficulty staying that way.  My mom shed a little more light on the why while I was in the hospital and we were having one of many conversations. 

When she was a teenager a doctor decided the best way to treat her heavy periods would be to increase the size of her cervix.  Damn crazy 60's medicine.  So basically he created her incompetent cervix.  It's good to know that it is not genetic.  Still, I feel so bad for her and my dad.  They even did a cerclage for the pregnancy with my younger sister (in 1980), but it did not work. 

Then we have my aunt.  Her fallopian tubes were blocked.  They did surgery but it did not work.  At 38 she and my uncle placed themselves on the list to adopt a baby.  Then about a year later she ended up buying her publishing company.  Over the years the business and her employees have become her children.  She once even let me know that there was a failed attempt to adopt a child through a frined of a friend, but the baby's mother decided to parent the child. 

Both my mom and aunt fought hard to be mothers.  One ended up with three children (two biological and one adopted), and the other became a super successful business women with an extremely busy life (volunteer activities, boards, and social engagements). 

I respect them both.

But I hope that I find a way to be a mother.

A Bunch of Stuff

Welcome from ICLW !  I have this goal to set up a couple of tabs at the top of my blog page.  Just the typical "About Me" and "TTC Timeline" and maybe one for "Weight Loss".

I was weighing myself, and then I missed this week.  I really need to just schedule it so that I get into the habit of posting about it every Wednesday.

On to more interesting happenings in my life instead of this drabble.

One of my best friend's got married on July 14.  She was a beautiful bride.  The wedding was fantastic and I got to catch up with some of my old high school friends.  The only damper was that my ankle is still healing (still broken?), so I could not dance the night away.

My company had their annual summer BBQ at my aunt's house.  She is the owner, but when I got hired she only gave me the name of the VP of Sales so I could set up an interview.  Then I was mostly on my own.  We drove up to Edmonton on Saturday.  The food was delicious and my husband and I were the last ones to leave.

I have an appointment with the orthopedic doctor today about my broken ankle.  I really hope it goes well.  I am tired of the cast, although I am lucky it is a boot that I can take on and off for showers.  My upper thigh gets these tingles and pains that make it difficult to sleep.  I want to get the stamina back in my foot.  My foot has also been swelling up a bit at the end of the day, probably because I am doing too much and not keeping it elevated enough.  Broken bones suck.

I had a horrible sleep last night (uncomfortable and hot), so now I am super tired.  Why do we not have nap time at work?