ICLW May - Fail

It has been one of the worst weeks of my life.  I really don't think I am being overly dramatic.

First off my back has been killing me, off and on, since the end of March.  I was stupid and moved a whole bunch of boxes at work to my car to be recycled by myself.  Of course it would get better after a few days and then I would do too much again and repeat.  This cycle continued right up until our camping trip for the Victoria Day long weekend.

RW and I both took May 18 off work and headed out to our usual camping spot.  We got there around 5:00pm and put up our tent and relaxed until the rest of the gang showed up.  It was fun, but our air mattress sprung a leak and we ended up sleeping on the ground the first night.  My back hated this and I ended up in so much pain that my stomach was hurting. 

I didn't drink any alcohol and spent most of the next few days lounging in one of our super awesome camping chairs.  Luckily one of our friends brought his huge 5th wheel trailer so we had a place to sleep (and it was warmer than the freezing tent too).

Sunday afternoon I went to our tent to get a pair of socks.  Coming out of the tent my left foot got caught and I fell, hard.  I twisted my ankle and could barely walk. 

We headed back to Calgary Monday morning.  I made it to work on Tuesday, but I was in so much pain.  Not my ankle, but my back still continued to plague me.  I left work at lunch after a nasty bought of projectile vomiting in the parking lot.

Wednesday we went to the walk-in clinic.  I got muscle relaxants, but the doctor also wanted me to get x-rays of my ankle just to make sure everything was fine.  It wasn't.  I actually broke my ankle.  So after trips to the doctor, the x-ray place, and the ER - I ended up with a cast and crutches.

I am lucky that I was able to work from home on Thursday afternoon and Friday.

Then on Saturday I saw a bunch of really inappropriately flirty texts between my husband and the 19 year old next door neighbour on his cell phone.  She came over for dinner with both of us on Friday.  I was so hurt and upset.  He blamed it on being drunk Friday night, but there were weeks worth of this crap.  I finally managed to have him sit down I asked him through my sobbing what the F was going on.  He promised to break off all contact with her and I better not find her number still in his phone tonight.  They did not sleep together, but I have no idea what would have happened if I did not find the texts.  He is a very flirty guy, but he should have known that the young single mother next door would take him seriously.  I'm not willing to give up on our marriage over this, but he better work hard to repair my trust in him.

So I am a bit broken - emotionally and physically - as well as super tired.  I cannot get comfortable in bed with this stupid cast. 

That is why I did not manage to participate in May ICLW.  The upside is that I did lose 6.8 pounds since March 23 - now to manage to keep that off while I am unable to move much over the next 6 weeks or so.

Uncomfortable

It has just been one of those weeks.  The ones where you just want to spend all your time in bed under the covers.  I actually stayed home on Monday.

It started last Thursday, when my husband came down with a stomach virus.  I suggested he stick to clear fluids and take it easy.  He actually did not miss work on Thursday or Friday.  Of course the minute he was feeling a bit better on Saturday, he tried to eat normally at a BBQ and have a couple of beer.  Bad idea.  Poor guy ended up back in the bathroom multiple times Saturday evening/night and kept complaining about his sore behind.  Baby.  I have mild IBS or mild Endo or I am slowly developing the diverticulitis that both my dad and grandmother have . . . whatever, my tummy is sensitive.  So I did not really have any sympathy for the whiny husband.  Bad wife. 

Last Friday I was moving boxes around in our office at work.  I must have lifted something wrong and tweaked a muscle.  I was miserable Sunday and Monday - even Tuesday night when I forgot to take something to help ease the pain.  Sigh.  It's still bothering me a bit today.  Really it is just a sign I need to get more exercise.  Losing some weight would help too.

So with my husband being ill and me being in pain, sleep has not been my friend this week.  I need my sleep.  At least a good sold, seven hours if not closer to eight, or I end up in a horrible mood.  Hence me feeling a little low this week.

Of course on top of all of this my mom calls and says she has been stressing about me.  Worried about me getting not being pregnant before I turn 35.  I know I am 34, I know it gets harder after 35, I know my 35th birthday is in October.  But, really?  Come on, you are not helping.  One of the reasons I want to lose weight is to prepare for possible fertility treatments.

I did manage to find some new work out shoes for a good price.  My husband and I are going to go to the gym on Saturday and transfer his membership into my name, as I need it more than him right now.  I also set up a new food diary.

Hopefully next week will be better.

ICLW April - Hello and Welcome !

This is my first time participating in ICLW, so welcome and I guess I will just tell you a little about myself.

I am a 34 year old woman TTC my first child with my 35 year old husband.  We got married in September 2010, but actually starting trying for our first child in April of 2009.  I have struggled with my weight all my life, but actually managed to get down to a BMI of around 26 right as I started dating my wonderful hubby.  Slowly I gained back most of the weight I lost and now I am trying to get healthy again before we focus all our attention on achieving a BFP.

My husband has issues with being able to ejaculate during sex, known as anejaculation.  Hopefully we can use some at home insemination techniques once we both lose some weight.

Other random thoughts and things about me:

 - I love to read and when I fall in love with an author I will devour everything they wrote.  Currently I am starting the Fire and Ice series by George R.R. Martin

 - I love to cook and bake.  It gives me satisfaction to make favourite meals with healthier options.  My husband definitely loves the food I create.

 - I watch way too much television.  After a long day at work I enjoy sitting on my butt for hours catching up with my favourite characters.  I need to get more exercise, even if it means waiting to see what happens next with a series.

 - I love spending time with friends playing board games.  My husband enjoys games too, but takes longer to warm up to new ones.  Our current favourites are Settlers of Catan, Carcassonne, and Dominion.

 - My husband and I love to go camping, our first trip for 2012 is planned for the May long weekend.

 - I am a huge klutz.  Just yesterday I was cleaning the BBQ and somehow manged to hurt a muscle on my left side, ouch!


Enough about me - I am off to read some old and new blogs. 

And then there were 7 . . .

As in 7 women that I know IRL who are expecting to give birth between June and November, and one is even having twins.  I really am happy for all of them.  Three of them have had previous miscarriages that I know of, and a fourth struggled with PCOS.  All their babies will all be extremely loved.

Still, it's hard not to wish that I was a member of that club. 

At least it has given me some much needed motivation to really work at losing some weight.  I am surprised my points calculator for WW still worked after all the neglect.

I also bought a new game for my Wii - EA Sports Active 2 - so that I can get off my lazy ass.

My husband and I spent Easter with my family in Victoria - is was a fantastic time.  I will have to post a couple of pictures once I download them from the camera.

Losing Weight Without Really Trying

On January 6 I weighed myself at 322.2 pounds.  My highest weight since sometime back in 2005/2006 - I would have to look back at my old weight trackers for exact dates. 

Yesterday I weighed myself at 316.6 pounds.  A loss of 5.6 pounds.  I have not really changed anything over the past 3 months.  Well, that is not exactly true, but I have not been actively trying to lose weight.  No exercise and no food diaries. 

I have been walking more since I lost my old car in February and was forced to take transit for almost a month.  Having no car also meant I was eating out for lunch less, which usually meant I was eating healthier.

Now, personally I think I could have loss a lot more than an average of  about 0.5 pounds a week over the past 11 weeks if I had just got my head in the game back in January.  But it is definitely better than finding myself 5 or 6 pounds heavier.

I managed to do about 10 min of a workout video last week.  I also moved a lot of stuff (magazines and boxes) around (in and out) of my office space at work.  I know how many WW points I am supposed to eat each day.  I have very few "bad" or "trigger" foods in my house at the moment.

Now I just need to continue to move more and eat less.

Emotional Quicksand

We had a St. Patrick's Day party on Saturday.  We put up a few decorations we found at the dollar store and wore funny hats plus green clothes.

It was fun at first.  I made green cupcakes with green icing, which were delicious.  A friend brought over a bunch of hamburgers and we threw them on the BBQ (love that it was warm enough to do that). 

The whole group was together again - including us that is 5 couples.  I cannot remember when we were last all together like this.  There was one evening in September, maybe another one in December.  Of course L&J brought their 7 month old twins, who I adore.  A&L are pregnant, just 6.5 weeks along but they had an IUI so we all knew when she got the positive test.  I actually did not think that she would come, the newly pregnant one, and of course she did have to complain a bit, but I could get over that. 

What blindsided me was that G&D are 18 weeks and had not told anyone.  A little bit understandable as I think this is pregnancy #4 after multiple miscarriages.  What makes me question this is that G was diagnosed with ALS this fall.  Also known as Lou Gehrig's disease - it is fatal - and for 80% of cases that is with 2 to 5 years. 

This is where my emotions go all wacky.  How does this couple end up being the ones that are going to have a baby in August?  A child that most likely will not remember his/her own mother.  I should not judge, but my heart is speaking before my head (at least to myself), and I just do not understand. 

So I was hanging out with 2 pregnant women, and the mother of twins, and I also found out about two other August/September babies this weekend.  One is a co-worker and the other is a University friend.  I am happy for all of them, but I am also hurting for me. 

We are coming up on the 3rd anniversary of TTC - 3 years since I took my last birth control pill.  I should have a toddler or baby of mine own to hold while I hear about the happy news of other couples.  It's hard because part of the reason for our IF is that I use my defensive mechanism of procrastination.  If I had just stuck to WW last year I would be that much closer to being pregnant, if not pregnant already. 

So my emotions are dragging me down a bit today.

Summer Plans

I am so excited.  My in-laws are using their Airmiles to fly us out to Cape Breton in August.  My husband and I have not been back to his hometown since August of 2009. 

2012 is going to be great!  First we get to see my parent's new house in Victoria at Easter.  July will bring back a friend from China for a visit.  September will bring back a friend from Australia for a visit.  One of my best friends is also getting married in July.  It's only March and our summer is already booking up.

So now I have a goal with a date on the calendar.  I want to be healthier for our trip in August.  I want to be able to come home and work on getting pregnant because I feel I am at a better weight.  My husband is totally on board as well.  We are making plans for better eating and exercise together.