Friday, December 21, 2012


I keep playing the "What If" game.

Questioning and going over every moment in our relationship.

Would it change where we are now?  Maybe.  But I don't have a time machine and I am not a magical being, so I have to accept the here and now.

Back in May, I wrote about how I found a bunch of flirty texts between my husband and the next door neighbour.  I thought that it was just numerous inappropriate messages and some making out - but turns out he got really drunk and had sex with her one time.  I am still not sure if it was the Friday we had her over for dinner after I broke my ankle (What If I confronted him about how uncomfortable I was with their "friendship" earlier), or the next one when I was in the hospital.  Doesn't matter.  He says he had no feelings for her, it was just a drunken mistake.  Um, were you drunk every time you texted her or gave her a ride to work?

I think I knew deep down they slept together.  I remember going to bed early on the Friday we had her over because I was not feeling good (What If I told her to go home), and I cried myself to sleep because I wished my husband would tell her to go home and take care of me.

My husband went with AM to a concert, put on by our friends G & O with the band.  He of course got drunk, and told G about cheating on me (What If he never told G).  He was an asshole and bragged about it.  G felt awful, told O, which I understand because she is his wife.  Then he told AM?  Who went and told J & L.  None of them stopped to think, maybe I should talk to his wife (Me)?  Instead they stopped inviting us to get-togethers.  They gossiped and talked about us behind our backs for 11 weeks.  September long weekend they finally confronted my husband and said that if he didn't talk to me, they would.  Um it took you 11 weeks?  My husband ended up telling me all about it that night.  By the end of the weekend 7 other people knew about the infidelity.  I felt exposed and hurt.

The girls tried to talk to me.  We had dinner once.  All I got out of it was that E was too occupied with being very pregnant (which actually I understand and do not fault her for), L somehow made it about her own parent's marriage?, O gave me some books and such to turn to.  We were going to spend more time together but it never happened (What If we had all made a better effort to spend time together).

Then I guess L told K - one of my bridesmaids - about the cheating.  She has been friends with my husband for over 10 years.  Somehow K also made this about her, and started lying about how she was the reason for my husband's first marriage breaking up? (What If my husband stopped trying to remain friends with his ex's?)  Um, he had never said anything like this to me.  Yes, he slept with K, but it was after he separated with his ex.  Even if it wasn't, the marriage was a mess.  His drinking was an issue back then.  She was not the reason they separated. 

L took K's side (What If K knew that E was questioning the paternity of her youngest?).  Whatever.  K was never really a friend.  She helped my husband get his divorce finalized (she works for lawyers), and helped pick my wedding date, and she was there when we got engaged - but the night before she tried to convince him not to do it?  She helped me find my wedding dress, she was a part of the wedding party, but she kept putting down my maid of honour? 

I don't know what really happened that made her decide to delete myself and my husband off facebook, and stop texting my husband too, because she never talked to either one of us (What If K texted my husband before she cut us out of her life?).  All I got was a couple of sentences from L about how K was mad at us, and the remark about how we told people that she was the reason his first marriage broke up?  I just feel it was really immature.  And it just confused me.

So now not only do I feel betrayed by my husband, but I also feel like none of my friends had my back.

I can't wait to spend time with my family and my best friend.  They all definitely support me 100%.  I also just wanted to thank all my online friends as they also have sent me messages and even that small bit makes me feel a little less alone.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012


Thanks for the comments, it feels good to know someone is listening.

I feel so alone right now.

My husband is one of my best friends.  He is my only friend in Calgary.

When I first started dating my husband we still worked at the same company.  He was living with two co-workers (both service technicians), that I also talked to everyday at work.  The "boys" (which included the three that were roommates plus some other service techs) would get together on Fridays to play poker.  I loved driving down and hanging out with all of them.

Slowly they all disappeared from our life.  First one of the service techs moved to the US to be with his girlfriend (they are married now and have 2 kids).  Then one of my husband's roommates and his girlfriend got pregnant, moved in together, and eventually moved to Edmonton for a new job/schooling.

When I moved down to Calgary, we had a new friend that lived close.  We would go over to her house for weekend parties.  It was here that we met G & O, which led us to the fact that A & L lived just down the alley from us.  We formed this tight group of what eventually became four couples (the two mentioned above and J & L).

Now we don't hang out or talk to any of those people.

Mostly because they had a big fallout with my husband in early September.  Yes, my husband's drinking sort of started the problems.  But soon I figured out that they were not really friends, just people we hung out with all the time.  They could see the problems I was having with my husband, and they did nothing to support me.  I talked to the girls of the group about how we should talk and hang out together more often.  I left the ball in their court and it never happened.

We lost another friend as well.  One of my bridesmaids.  But she was really only in our wedding because it made my husband happy.  That is a post for another day.

So here I am, needing to be with friends, and everyone I love is at least 300km away.

To start with I am going to spend extra time in Edmonton with my family and friends over Christmas.  I have from Dec 22 until Jan 1 off work (back on Jan 2).  So I will take the bus on Saturday and not go back to Calgary until the 30th.

Saturday, December 15, 2012


It has been a while since I have blogged.

Mostly because my world has been slowly falling apart.  My relationship with my husband and my marriage are a mess.  Part of me wanted to run here and see if getting it all out would help.  Until now a bigger part of me was worried about any possible ramifications of venting on a semi-private blog,

I'm not sure how I ended up here.  And by here I mean this place in my life.

5 years ago I danced with a co-worker and friend at the annual company holiday gala.  It led to flirty texts and long p hone conversations.  Then drinks and making out and sex.  Trips back and forth between Edmonton and Calgary.  I fell in love, I moved away from my friends and family.  We got engaged and married.

I am trying so hard to not see this as 5 years I wish I could get back.

My husband is an alcoholic.  He has admitted this, and yet struggles to do anything to "fix" this.  I guess fix is not really the word I want to use.  He will try to not drink.  Up to 5 or 6 days in a row.  The withdrawl causes headaches.  He always ends up finding some reason to fall of the wagon.  He does not seem to want to go to counseling or AA or rehab.  His parents also drink like fishes, although a bit less, but still almost everyday.  It was how he was raised.  I am not making excuses, im fact it makes me angry that we can't find support with his family to stop drinking.

In relation to this he is horrible with money.  While I am looking into taking courses to improve my career options (becoming a legal assistant) - he feels stuck in low end office jobs.  He actually loves what he does at his current job (booking coordinator for a tax company), but he does not get paid enough.  So we struggle financially and this is made worse by him wanting to either buy liquor or go out for drinks.

On our first dates we talked about having kids in the future and how many and what we would name them.  About 3.5 years ago I stopped taking the birth control pill.  A conversation about starting to trying to conceive that he initiated.  Then a few months later we got engaged.  I never went back on the pill.  But nothing has happened.  35 or so cycles and not even a hint of a possibility of being pregnant.  I am not even sure I can have kids.

Now he is saying that he doesn't want kids at all. 

This just messes with my head.  I have lost count of the number of times we have talked about our future children.  I also really want to be a mother.  If it turns out that this is not physically possible, ok, it will hurt, but at least my husband is not taking away this option. 

He just sees the negative.  That if we had a child, and then the marriage still failed, he would have another child taken away from him,  And this one would be biologically his.  He is worried about his drinking and that he would end up yelling at our child, as he did with his step-daughter.  He doesn't think that he will change his mind about this. 

We are both confused and have no idea if we want to somehow move forward (marriage counseling and individual counseling) or just separate.

I do know that we both love one another.  But it might not be enough. 

It sucks that everything is happening right before Christmas. 

We are still friends, but not really lovers right now.  We have agreed that we want to continue to spend Christmas with my family as planned. 

I have no idea what 2013 will hold in store.  I don't know what I want it to look like.  Is is a brand new start?  Or is it working hard at what I have now.  Sort of a renovation or relocation of my life.

Friday, July 27, 2012

All Muddled Up

My mind has been all over the place lately.  Let's see if can get this out and have it make sense.

I have always seen myself as a mother.  I love children and interacting with them.  On the other hand, I don't want to be over 40 and still trying to conceive.  While I completely support adoption, unless something drastically changes with our financial situation over the next year or two, I just don't think we would be accepted. 

My husband was burned badly in his previous marriage.  The last few visits he had with his step-daughter were torture.  He would have to fight with his ex to see her, they would often have arguments during the pick-up/drop-off, and the whole thing made him upset.  She was 7 the last time he saw her around Christmas in 2007.  He tried to tell her how much he loved her, but she just hid her face and looked sad.  What the hell was her mom telling her?  He thought it would help if he stopped visitation for a while.  Unfortunately his ex took this opportunity to cut him completely out of their lives. 

If only he had the money to adopt her back when they got married.  If only he had the money to make sure he got shared custody when they separated.  Lawyers were just not possible, and when it came down to the divorce she paid for most of it because she was getting remarried, and it was cheaper if he did not contest anything. 

On top of that, turns out his ex is unable to have anymore children.  She had some testing done when they got married.  He never understood why, but from the tests it sounds like maybe her tubes are blocked?  He had a sperm test done after they separated, just for piece of mind, and at that time it was fine. 

So while he would be overjoyed to have a child with me, he is also fine if it is just the two of us. 

I would rather spend the rest of my life with him without children, then leave him just so I could have a child.

This is what keeps both of us from moving forward beyond not using birth control.  That and my weight.  As well as life continuing to get in the way, I keep turning around and it is a few months later.

I know that we should both get some initial testing done.  Another problem is that I do not have a GP.  I sort of have a doctor listed on my records after the whole broken ankle and gallbladder issues.  I should just call her office (she does walk-ins and appointments), and see if she can send me for blood work as well as an HSG and Laparoscopy (as I worry about Endometriosis).

Of course I know our major issue is RW's messed up head and his issues with anejaculation.  We have discussed really TTC in September/October.  So my plan for now is to hope that communication and really giving it a good try will result in a BFP.

Can this please just work, please?

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Wednesday Weekly Weigh-In (on a Thursday)

Well really this is Week #4, even though it is my second weigh-in - so hopefully I can continue from here with actually weekly updates.

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal.

Starting weight:  303.0        
Last Week's Weight:  over the past few weeks I saw 301 and 302 on the scale
Current Weight: 304.2
Goal Weight : 288
My first goal is 5% of my starting weight.  I like breaking down a large goal into smaller, manageable pieces.      

Starting BMI: 44.74
Last Week's BMI:  44.74
Current BMI: 44.92 (morbidly obese)
Goal BMI: 35 to 39.99 Obesity (Class 2)

(from this website

Again, one step at a time.  My first BMI goal will be to get down to the next level.  This will happen at around 270 pounds.  So I will focus on my weight goals first.

2. Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals.

 A.  30 min of activity everyday
 - go to the gym after work on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday
 - walk at lunch on Tuesday and Thursday
 - play Wii exercise games on Saturday and Sunday

My ankle is finally completely healed - well the bone - but the muscles/tendons are weak and sore.  So I think I am going to adjust my goals to go for a walk everyday and build up the strength.  I am also starting physio.

B.  Eat less/better
 - count Weight Watchers points, right now I get 50 per day
 - drink 1L of water and 2 glasses of milk a day
 - 3 servings of milk products (see above plus yogurt) everyday
 - 5 servings of fruit and vegetables

3. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.

I am going to focus on my Eat less/better goals this week.  Especially keeping a food diary and counting WW points.  As well as drinking lots of water.

I also want to take some before pictures and monthly measurements. 

Michele @ Nowhere in NM (TTCer)
Mag @ Witty Infertility (TTCer)
Shannon @ Arkansas Runner (TTCer)
Donor Diva @ Motherhood via Egg Donation (TTC#2)
Ren @ The Brooding Woman (TTCer)
Kristy @ Relaxing Doesn't Get You Pregnant (pregnant) 
Nico @ Phred, Fwed, and Schweffel (postpartum) 
One Day @ Are We There Yet? (postpartum - twins) 
Laura @ Legos and Jets (postpartum) 
Bridget @ The Lost Stork (postpartum)
ks @ Inconceivable!?!?! (postpartum) 
jenn @ Adventures of a Nomadic Housewife (postpartum)
Meghan @ Maybe Baby, It's You...Two! (postpartum - twins) 
Heather @ The Road Less Traveled (postpartum)
DRMama @ Life Amongst the Palm Trees (postpartum) 
Emma @ Emma in Mommyland (postpartum)
E&R @ Dreaming of Babies (postpartum)
Helen @ Our Grand Adventure (postpartum)

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Women I Respect Most

First off - my ankle is completely healed!  No need for even an ankle brace.  I did get a referral for physiotherapy.  I am wearing my sneakers today instead of one shoe and the boot (air cast), and it feels great.

My mom and my aunt are two of the strongest women I know.  They took very different paths in life, but they are both members of the ALI community. 

I have talked before about how my parents had no trouble getting pregnant, but experienced great difficulty staying that way.  My mom shed a little more light on the why while I was in the hospital and we were having one of many conversations. 

When she was a teenager a doctor decided the best way to treat her heavy periods would be to increase the size of her cervix.  Damn crazy 60's medicine.  So basically he created her incompetent cervix.  It's good to know that it is not genetic.  Still, I feel so bad for her and my dad.  They even did a cerclage for the pregnancy with my younger sister (in 1980), but it did not work. 

Then we have my aunt.  Her fallopian tubes were blocked.  They did surgery but it did not work.  At 38 she and my uncle placed themselves on the list to adopt a baby.  Then about a year later she ended up buying her publishing company.  Over the years the business and her employees have become her children.  She once even let me know that there was a failed attempt to adopt a child through a frined of a friend, but the baby's mother decided to parent the child. 

Both my mom and aunt fought hard to be mothers.  One ended up with three children (two biological and one adopted), and the other became a super successful business women with an extremely busy life (volunteer activities, boards, and social engagements). 

I respect them both.

But I hope that I find a way to be a mother.

Monday, July 23, 2012

A Bunch of Stuff

Welcome from ICLW !  I have this goal to set up a couple of tabs at the top of my blog page.  Just the typical "About Me" and "TTC Timeline" and maybe one for "Weight Loss".

I was weighing myself, and then I missed this week.  I really need to just schedule it so that I get into the habit of posting about it every Wednesday.

On to more interesting happenings in my life instead of this drabble.

One of my best friend's got married on July 14.  She was a beautiful bride.  The wedding was fantastic and I got to catch up with some of my old high school friends.  The only damper was that my ankle is still healing (still broken?), so I could not dance the night away.

My company had their annual summer BBQ at my aunt's house.  She is the owner, but when I got hired she only gave me the name of the VP of Sales so I could set up an interview.  Then I was mostly on my own.  We drove up to Edmonton on Saturday.  The food was delicious and my husband and I were the last ones to leave.

I have an appointment with the orthopedic doctor today about my broken ankle.  I really hope it goes well.  I am tired of the cast, although I am lucky it is a boot that I can take on and off for showers.  My upper thigh gets these tingles and pains that make it difficult to sleep.  I want to get the stamina back in my foot.  My foot has also been swelling up a bit at the end of the day, probably because I am doing too much and not keeping it elevated enough.  Broken bones suck.

I had a horrible sleep last night (uncomfortable and hot), so now I am super tired.  Why do we not have nap time at work?

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 1

Enough thinking about how I am going to lose some weight, and then making some plans that I don't follow completely.

I know I have seen some of the blogs I follow do this - so I am going to join in.  Not only will it help me get healthy, but as an added bonus it will mean at least weekly blog posts.  Plus a chance to make some awesome connections in the ALI community.

So here I go - week one.

*** Update ***
I originally wrote this on May 16.  And then all the broken ankle/gallbladder drama occurred.  I lost a bunch of weight, and then of course put a few pounds back on once I was eating normally (and not so normally as I had pizza last Friday and then dinner at a fondue restaurant on Saturday).  Let me start this all over again . . . 

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal.

Starting weight:  303.0        
Last Week's Weight: -
Current Weight: 303.0
Goal Weight : 288
My first goal is 5% of my starting weight.  I like breaking down a large goal into smaller, manageable pieces.      

Starting BMI: 44.74
Last Week's BMI:-
Current BMI: 44.74 (morbidly obese)
Goal BMI: 35 to 39.99 Obesity (Class 2)

Again, one step at a time.  My first BMI goal will be to get down to the next level.  This will happen at around 270 pounds.  So I will focus on my weight goals first.

2. Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals.

 A.  30 min of activity everyday
 - go to the gym after work on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday
 - walk at lunch on Tuesday and Thursday
 - play Wii exercise games on Saturday and Sunday

Since my ankle is still in a cast, and will be for another two weeks at least, the activity part is on hold for now.

B.  Eat less/better
 - count Weight Watchers points, right now I get 50 per day
 - drink 1L of water and 2 glasses of milk a day
 - 3 servings of milk products (see above plus yogurt) everyday
 - 5 servings of fruit and vegetables

3. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.

I am excited that I get to ditch the crutches tomorrow and start putting full weight on my left foot.  One step closer to getting rid of the cast and getting exercise.

Michele @ Nowhere in NM (TTCer)
Mag @ Witty Infertility (TTCer)
Shannon @ Arkansas Runner (TTCer)
Donor Diva @ Motherhood via Egg Donation (TTC#2)
Karen C @ The Brooding Woman (TTCer)
Kristy @ Relaxing Doesn't Get You Pregnant (pregnant) 
Nico @ Phred, Fwed, and Schweffel (postpartum) 
One Day @ Are We There Yet? (postpartum - twins) 
Laura @ Legos and Jets (postpartum) 
Bridget @ The Lost Stork (postpartum)
ks @ Inconceivable!?!?! (postpartum) 
jenn @ Adventures of a Nomadic Housewife (postpartum)
Meghan @ Maybe Baby, It's You...Two! (postpartum - twins) 
Heather @ The Road Less Traveled (postpartum)
DRMama @ Life Amongst the Palm Trees (postpartum) 
Emma @ Emma in Mommyland (postpartum)
E&R @ Dreaming of Babies (postpartum)
Helen @ Our Grand Adventure (postpartum)

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr Argghhhhhhh


Yet another crappy, horrible week.  I am feeling much, much better but now it seems the fates have decided to spread the misery to my husband.

He met up with a friend after work on Monday.  He stayed out way too late and had too much to drink.  I don't think it was unreasonable to expect him home before 9:00pm on a work night.  I had left my cell phone at work, so I called him from the home phone at 5:30pm to let him know I would not receive any text messages.  I then called him at 9:30pm, basically telling him in a nice way that it was late and to get his arse home.  He called my cell phone and left a voicemail sometime around 10:00pm.  Of course I did not get it

So I was mad and I cried some tears while falling asleep. 

I was jolted out of my slumber at 11:00pm by my husband yelling for help.  I was so freaked out.  Apparently he was waiting for the train home and tripped and fell down a couple of steps at the platform.  He rolled his bad ankle (the one he has injured before, last time was dancing at my cousin's wedding at New Year's), skinned & scratched his knee and tore his pants.  He was in a lot of pain.  Of course I am tired and cranky so at one point while fixing him up I mention that I was worried and he never called.  Of course he said he did.  So we ended up going to bed both a little miffed at one another.

Tuesday after work (well I went to work, he stayed home to rest & ice his ankle), we headed to urgent care.  They took X-rays but it's not broken.  They also gave him a doctor's note.

Yesterday he headed back to work with his ankle in a tensor bandage and crutches.  He gave them his doctor's note.  Everything seemed fine, and he was actually feeling a bit better.

Then right before 4:30pm one of his supervisor's calls him into his office and lets my husband know they are letting him go.


Basically he was fired for taking too many sick days.  Screw them. 

He took off two days (May 23 and 24) to drive me to the doctor about my sore back, which turned into X-rays and a visit to the ER for a broken ankle.  The next day he was helping me get settled, bringing me food, etc so that I was not putting any weight on my foot at all.

Then he took off May 31 and June 1 to drive me to my Ultrasound appointment, help me get admitted to the hospital, and be there when I had my first ERCP procedure all related to my gallstones.

He had doctor's notes for all 5 days.  Well at least the last 3, actually I don't remember if we had documentation for my broken ankle, but if his work wanted it all they had to do was ask.

I know that he was actually written up in early May (I think?) for missing days.  He missed 2 or 3 days from January to May due to his bad back.  Looking back I guess he should have took some pain meds and gone in late instead of missing the whole day.  Either that or gone to the doctor and got a note. 

Doesn't matter.  I BROKE MY ANKLE and then I was IN THE HOSPITAL.  If it was not for my mom being able to come down from Edmonton for a week, I have no idea what I would have done all alone in the hospital for that long.  Plus he actually went to work for most of my hospital stay, including the day that I actually had surgery.

To say that I am pissed off is an understatement.  Yes, he made some mistakes and missed too many days - but for GOOD reasons. 

At least they are paying him up until July 4 and he has unpaid vacation time as well.

We were going to find him a new job in August, after our trip to Cape Breton.  Well I guess we are forced to do that now.  Hopefully he finds an even better job that pays more.  Good luck to his company to find someone willing to do all he did for so little money (he wore about 5 different hats).

Monday, June 18, 2012

And now we return to our regularily scheduled program . . .

Well I am back at work.  I was actually getting bored working from home last week, so this is a good thing.

I still have the cast on my left foot.  The ankle is apparently healing well but the ortho doc told me to keep weight off it for another two weeks (until June 28) and then walk on it for another two weeks (until July 12) and then make an appt to see her at her office downtown.  Hopefully at that point I can get rid of the cast for good.  I know I am lucky that it is an air cast that I can take off and on (well just for showering), but it is really hard to get comfortable at work and sleeping with the bulky contraption.

I also went for a follow-up appt with my surgeon on Friday.  He took the last remaining steri-strips off my incisions.  Even better he removed the drain.  Now that was a weird feeling but it did not hurt.  This has definitely made it easier to sleep.

Apparently losing your appetite, and then being placed on NPO (nothing by mouth, so not being able to eat or drink anything at all), and then every once in a while getting to eat/drink only clear fluids - helps you lose weight. 

I have been careful and taking it easy since I got home from the hospital and was finally able to go back to eating anything I wanted.  I was also trying to watch what I ate before I ended up in the hospital, because it would have been so easy to gain weight with my broken ankle and spending most of my time on the couch.

I know I weighed myself on May 16 and I was back up to 322.2 pounds - the same weight I recorded on January 6 when I kind of started to getting healthy again.  On May 25, after the long weekend when I had no appetite (most likely the start of my gallbladder issues), I was down to 309.8.  I just weighed myself on June 16 and I am now at 297.0.  Back under 300 - and a total of 25.2 pounds lost in a month.  

Definitely not the way I would suggest to lose weight, but it did kick start me to watch my portions and what I am putting in my mouth.  In July (once the cast is off) I hope to be able to go back to the gym.

My next small goals would be first to weigh 290, as that was where I was at March 25, 2011 before I left Weight Watchers for the second time.  The next goal is 10% of my starting weight gone - so 289.  Very close to one another, so really just focusing on the 10%.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

And then I turned yellow . . .

Well I guess I really need to get back in here and update my continuing health saga.

I was back to work with my broken ankle on Monday, May 28.  Then Tuesday I thought my skin looked a little yellow.  It was definitely itchy starting on Sunday or Monday.  On Wednesday my skin was definitely yellow and so were the whites of my eyes.  After work my DH and I headed to urgent care.

Urgent care finally managed to get preliminary blood results that showed my liver enzymes were elevated.  My veins are thin, deep, and they wiggle - so it took about five tries to get a good stick.  Ouch.

Urgent care sent me to the ER at the hospital in Calgary that specializes in all the abdominal surgeries (liver, gallbladder, pancreas, stomach etc).  Of course it was impossible to get an ultra sound to help with a diagnosis and we ended up discharged and back at home in bed at 3:00am. 

Thursday (May 31), I started the day with an appointment for my ankle.  Then way up to the NE part of the city for the ultra sound.  After a lot of waiting and poking and prodding we were back in the ER and then more waiting and finally admitted to the hospital.

Apparently I had a lot of gallstones and fragments that had blocked the tube from my liver to my intestines, so all the bile was leaching into my skin.

Friday I got my first ERCP (Endoscopic retrograde cholangiopancreatography).   A flexible camera (endoscope) is inserted through the mouth, down the esophagus into the stomach, through the pylorus into the duodenum where the ampulla of Vater (the opening of the common bile duct and pancreatic duct) exists.  They also trawled the common bile duct with a basket or balloon to remove gallstones and inserted a plastic stent to assist the drainage of bile.

They don’t put you under full anesthetic for it – it’s called conscious sedation – but I was fine, at first.  Later I was in a lot of pain, got some morphine, and then I was so nauseous and dry heaving until the Gravol kicked in.

Monday  I finally got surgery to remove my gallbladder.  They also inserted a camera through an incision into the common duct and removed more stones.

Tuesday they did my second ERCP.  Ugh.  My insides were still so irritated from surgery and the first procedure.  This time I was practically awake for the whole thing and I kept gagging and fighting the restraints.  

Then Friday they did a third ERCP and I was discharged.  It was still a horrible procedure.  They just can’t seem to get me sedated enough.  

After all that there is still one stone caught up high in the duct really close to the liver.  But they are giving me a break and I go back for a 4th ERCP on July 10.

Now I have 5 small incisions that are healing well along with a drain that is still helping to clear the bile from my system.  It is weird to have a tube coming out of my body.  

I am not taking any pain meds, just finding it hard to get comfortable at night and sleep.  It is nice to be able to eat food again.  I had two days of clear fluids in the hospital (Wed and Thurs) and one night where I got to eat toast with jam (Sunday) - but other than that it was only IV fluids.

Cast clinic appointment on Thursday morning.  Appointment with the surgeon on Friday and hopefully he removes my drain.

Monday, May 28, 2012

ICLW May - Fail

It has been one of the worst weeks of my life.  I really don't think I am being overly dramatic.

First off my back has been killing me, off and on, since the end of March.  I was stupid and moved a whole bunch of boxes at work to my car to be recycled by myself.  Of course it would get better after a few days and then I would do too much again and repeat.  This cycle continued right up until our camping trip for the Victoria Day long weekend.

RW and I both took May 18 off work and headed out to our usual camping spot.  We got there around 5:00pm and put up our tent and relaxed until the rest of the gang showed up.  It was fun, but our air mattress sprung a leak and we ended up sleeping on the ground the first night.  My back hated this and I ended up in so much pain that my stomach was hurting. 

I didn't drink any alcohol and spent most of the next few days lounging in one of our super awesome camping chairs.  Luckily one of our friends brought his huge 5th wheel trailer so we had a place to sleep (and it was warmer than the freezing tent too).

Sunday afternoon I went to our tent to get a pair of socks.  Coming out of the tent my left foot got caught and I fell, hard.  I twisted my ankle and could barely walk. 

We headed back to Calgary Monday morning.  I made it to work on Tuesday, but I was in so much pain.  Not my ankle, but my back still continued to plague me.  I left work at lunch after a nasty bought of projectile vomiting in the parking lot.

Wednesday we went to the walk-in clinic.  I got muscle relaxants, but the doctor also wanted me to get x-rays of my ankle just to make sure everything was fine.  It wasn't.  I actually broke my ankle.  So after trips to the doctor, the x-ray place, and the ER - I ended up with a cast and crutches.

I am lucky that I was able to work from home on Thursday afternoon and Friday.

Then on Saturday I saw a bunch of really inappropriately flirty texts between my husband and the 19 year old next door neighbour on his cell phone.  She came over for dinner with both of us on Friday.  I was so hurt and upset.  He blamed it on being drunk Friday night, but there were weeks worth of this crap.  I finally managed to have him sit down I asked him through my sobbing what the F was going on.  He promised to break off all contact with her and I better not find her number still in his phone tonight.  They did not sleep together, but I have no idea what would have happened if I did not find the texts.  He is a very flirty guy, but he should have known that the young single mother next door would take him seriously.  I'm not willing to give up on our marriage over this, but he better work hard to repair my trust in him.

So I am a bit broken - emotionally and physically - as well as super tired.  I cannot get comfortable in bed with this stupid cast. 

That is why I did not manage to participate in May ICLW.  The upside is that I did lose 6.8 pounds since March 23 - now to manage to keep that off while I am unable to move much over the next 6 weeks or so.

Friday, May 4, 2012


It has just been one of those weeks.  The ones where you just want to spend all your time in bed under the covers.  I actually stayed home on Monday.

It started last Thursday, when my husband came down with a stomach virus.  I suggested he stick to clear fluids and take it easy.  He actually did not miss work on Thursday or Friday.  Of course the minute he was feeling a bit better on Saturday, he tried to eat normally at a BBQ and have a couple of beer.  Bad idea.  Poor guy ended up back in the bathroom multiple times Saturday evening/night and kept complaining about his sore behind.  Baby.  I have mild IBS or mild Endo or I am slowly developing the diverticulitis that both my dad and grandmother have . . . whatever, my tummy is sensitive.  So I did not really have any sympathy for the whiny husband.  Bad wife. 

Last Friday I was moving boxes around in our office at work.  I must have lifted something wrong and tweaked a muscle.  I was miserable Sunday and Monday - even Tuesday night when I forgot to take something to help ease the pain.  Sigh.  It's still bothering me a bit today.  Really it is just a sign I need to get more exercise.  Losing some weight would help too.

So with my husband being ill and me being in pain, sleep has not been my friend this week.  I need my sleep.  At least a good sold, seven hours if not closer to eight, or I end up in a horrible mood.  Hence me feeling a little low this week.

Of course on top of all of this my mom calls and says she has been stressing about me.  Worried about me getting not being pregnant before I turn 35.  I know I am 34, I know it gets harder after 35, I know my 35th birthday is in October.  But, really?  Come on, you are not helping.  One of the reasons I want to lose weight is to prepare for possible fertility treatments.

I did manage to find some new work out shoes for a good price.  My husband and I are going to go to the gym on Saturday and transfer his membership into my name, as I need it more than him right now.  I also set up a new food diary.

Hopefully next week will be better.

Monday, April 23, 2012

ICLW April - Hello and Welcome !

This is my first time participating in ICLW, so welcome and I guess I will just tell you a little about myself.

I am a 34 year old woman TTC my first child with my 35 year old husband.  We got married in September 2010, but actually starting trying for our first child in April of 2009.  I have struggled with my weight all my life, but actually managed to get down to a BMI of around 26 right as I started dating my wonderful hubby.  Slowly I gained back most of the weight I lost and now I am trying to get healthy again before we focus all our attention on achieving a BFP.

My husband has issues with being able to ejaculate during sex, known as anejaculation.  Hopefully we can use some at home insemination techniques once we both lose some weight.

Other random thoughts and things about me:

 - I love to read and when I fall in love with an author I will devour everything they wrote.  Currently I am starting the Fire and Ice series by George R.R. Martin

 - I love to cook and bake.  It gives me satisfaction to make favourite meals with healthier options.  My husband definitely loves the food I create.

 - I watch way too much television.  After a long day at work I enjoy sitting on my butt for hours catching up with my favourite characters.  I need to get more exercise, even if it means waiting to see what happens next with a series.

 - I love spending time with friends playing board games.  My husband enjoys games too, but takes longer to warm up to new ones.  Our current favourites are Settlers of Catan, Carcassonne, and Dominion.

 - My husband and I love to go camping, our first trip for 2012 is planned for the May long weekend.

 - I am a huge klutz.  Just yesterday I was cleaning the BBQ and somehow manged to hurt a muscle on my left side, ouch!

Enough about me - I am off to read some old and new blogs. 

Monday, April 16, 2012

And then there were 7 . . .

As in 7 women that I know IRL who are expecting to give birth between June and November, and one is even having twins.  I really am happy for all of them.  Three of them have had previous miscarriages that I know of, and a fourth struggled with PCOS.  All their babies will all be extremely loved.

Still, it's hard not to wish that I was a member of that club. 

At least it has given me some much needed motivation to really work at losing some weight.  I am surprised my points calculator for WW still worked after all the neglect.

I also bought a new game for my Wii - EA Sports Active 2 - so that I can get off my lazy ass.

My husband and I spent Easter with my family in Victoria - is was a fantastic time.  I will have to post a couple of pictures once I download them from the camera.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Losing Weight Without Really Trying

On January 6 I weighed myself at 322.2 pounds.  My highest weight since sometime back in 2005/2006 - I would have to look back at my old weight trackers for exact dates. 

Yesterday I weighed myself at 316.6 pounds.  A loss of 5.6 pounds.  I have not really changed anything over the past 3 months.  Well, that is not exactly true, but I have not been actively trying to lose weight.  No exercise and no food diaries. 

I have been walking more since I lost my old car in February and was forced to take transit for almost a month.  Having no car also meant I was eating out for lunch less, which usually meant I was eating healthier.

Now, personally I think I could have loss a lot more than an average of  about 0.5 pounds a week over the past 11 weeks if I had just got my head in the game back in January.  But it is definitely better than finding myself 5 or 6 pounds heavier.

I managed to do about 10 min of a workout video last week.  I also moved a lot of stuff (magazines and boxes) around (in and out) of my office space at work.  I know how many WW points I am supposed to eat each day.  I have very few "bad" or "trigger" foods in my house at the moment.

Now I just need to continue to move more and eat less.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Emotional Quicksand

We had a St. Patrick's Day party on Saturday.  We put up a few decorations we found at the dollar store and wore funny hats plus green clothes.

It was fun at first.  I made green cupcakes with green icing, which were delicious.  A friend brought over a bunch of hamburgers and we threw them on the BBQ (love that it was warm enough to do that). 

The whole group was together again - including us that is 5 couples.  I cannot remember when we were last all together like this.  There was one evening in September, maybe another one in December.  Of course L&J brought their 7 month old twins, who I adore.  A&L are pregnant, just 6.5 weeks along but they had an IUI so we all knew when she got the positive test.  I actually did not think that she would come, the newly pregnant one, and of course she did have to complain a bit, but I could get over that. 

What blindsided me was that G&D are 18 weeks and had not told anyone.  A little bit understandable as I think this is pregnancy #4 after multiple miscarriages.  What makes me question this is that G was diagnosed with ALS this fall.  Also known as Lou Gehrig's disease - it is fatal - and for 80% of cases that is with 2 to 5 years. 

This is where my emotions go all wacky.  How does this couple end up being the ones that are going to have a baby in August?  A child that most likely will not remember his/her own mother.  I should not judge, but my heart is speaking before my head (at least to myself), and I just do not understand. 

So I was hanging out with 2 pregnant women, and the mother of twins, and I also found out about two other August/September babies this weekend.  One is a co-worker and the other is a University friend.  I am happy for all of them, but I am also hurting for me. 

We are coming up on the 3rd anniversary of TTC - 3 years since I took my last birth control pill.  I should have a toddler or baby of mine own to hold while I hear about the happy news of other couples.  It's hard because part of the reason for our IF is that I use my defensive mechanism of procrastination.  If I had just stuck to WW last year I would be that much closer to being pregnant, if not pregnant already. 

So my emotions are dragging me down a bit today.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Summer Plans

I am so excited.  My in-laws are using their Airmiles to fly us out to Cape Breton in August.  My husband and I have not been back to his hometown since August of 2009. 

2012 is going to be great!  First we get to see my parent's new house in Victoria at Easter.  July will bring back a friend from China for a visit.  September will bring back a friend from Australia for a visit.  One of my best friends is also getting married in July.  It's only March and our summer is already booking up.

So now I have a goal with a date on the calendar.  I want to be healthier for our trip in August.  I want to be able to come home and work on getting pregnant because I feel I am at a better weight.  My husband is totally on board as well.  We are making plans for better eating and exercise together.

Friday, March 9, 2012

So very, very tired

I have not been sleeping well lately.  The biggest reason is this stupid cough leftover from a cold that will not go away. 

It started last Tuesday, February 28 and I had a sore throat and an annoying little cough all day.  I took some Nyquil that night but it kept me from falling into a deep sleep instead of making things better.  I stayed home from work on February 29 - and I slept almost the whole day.  The next 9 nine days have been a mix of feeling better only to be knocked down by a night time coughing attack.  Monday night it was 1:30am, last night it was 3:00am. 

I hate my lungs.  They like to hold on to phlegm and gunk.  I guess it is retribution from them for being born at 32 weeks without pretty things like steroids to pump them up.  Halls are my best friend right now.  That and my mountain of pillows to keep me propped up.  I also love hot drinks with no milk.

My goal for today is to not fall sleep at my desk at work.


Monday, March 5, 2012

My New Wheels

On Thursday my husband and I are going to pick up our new vehicle !

I have posted a couple of times about the issues with my old car. It was a 2003 Grand Am and in the past year I have fixed valve #5 on the cylinder head, the brakes, the alternator, the fan for the heat, and valve #2 . . . . that last one was on Feb 9. Then on Feb 17, on my way to work, the typical car vibrating, engine slowing down and service engine light flashing happened again. I took it in on the Saturday and they looked at it on Tuesday (Monday was a holiday). This time it was valve #4. Needed a new cylinder head. It would cost over $3000 dollars - and the car was not worth it.

So I have been taking the bus since Feb 17. We managed to do some research and look at a few cars. Finally settled on a 2008 Santa Fe. Got a pretty great financing package and some help with the down payment from my parents (who are the best!). I can't wait to go pick it up.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I am SO Cold

I knew that winter was coming. We had a couple of brief sightings in November and December - but they were quickly forgotten with numerous days of above average temperatures. You had to look in cool, shady places for find evidence of snow.

BUT to have the temperature drop over 22 degrees in less than 24 hours is a bit ridiculous. We skipped over winter and fell into a bitterly frozen hell that is hard to comprehend.

This morning the temperature was -30 with a wind chill of -38.


That is minus 36 F

I don't need a snow day. I need a "it's too cold to go outside without freezing my skin off" day.

Thank goodness for long underwear, hot coffee, the block heater in my car, and fuzzy socks.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

12th day of 2012

Well I made it trough another crazy holiday season and now it is 2012.

There was a lot of travel (driving to and from Edmonton, flying to and from Vancouver), and good food, and time with family, and parties, and good friends.

Of course, yet again, I never got the whole house decorated for Christmas - and I admit that there are still too many decorations up (little do they know that they will all be placed back in the crawl space by the end of this weekend).

2011 was a great year - even if I ended it with more weight on my body and no pregnancy. It also had some challenges with finances but we are working on improving how we budget our time and money.