Lost

It has been a while since I have blogged.

Mostly because my world has been slowly falling apart.  My relationship with my husband and my marriage are a mess.  Part of me wanted to run here and see if getting it all out would help.  Until now a bigger part of me was worried about any possible ramifications of venting on a semi-private blog,

I'm not sure how I ended up here.  And by here I mean this place in my life.

5 years ago I danced with a co-worker and friend at the annual company holiday gala.  It led to flirty texts and long p hone conversations.  Then drinks and making out and sex.  Trips back and forth between Edmonton and Calgary.  I fell in love, I moved away from my friends and family.  We got engaged and married.

I am trying so hard to not see this as 5 years I wish I could get back.

My husband is an alcoholic.  He has admitted this, and yet struggles to do anything to "fix" this.  I guess fix is not really the word I want to use.  He will try to not drink.  Up to 5 or 6 days in a row.  The withdrawl causes headaches.  He always ends up finding some reason to fall of the wagon.  He does not seem to want to go to counseling or AA or rehab.  His parents also drink like fishes, although a bit less, but still almost everyday.  It was how he was raised.  I am not making excuses, im fact it makes me angry that we can't find support with his family to stop drinking.

In relation to this he is horrible with money.  While I am looking into taking courses to improve my career options (becoming a legal assistant) - he feels stuck in low end office jobs.  He actually loves what he does at his current job (booking coordinator for a tax company), but he does not get paid enough.  So we struggle financially and this is made worse by him wanting to either buy liquor or go out for drinks.

On our first dates we talked about having kids in the future and how many and what we would name them.  About 3.5 years ago I stopped taking the birth control pill.  A conversation about starting to trying to conceive that he initiated.  Then a few months later we got engaged.  I never went back on the pill.  But nothing has happened.  35 or so cycles and not even a hint of a possibility of being pregnant.  I am not even sure I can have kids.

Now he is saying that he doesn't want kids at all. 

This just messes with my head.  I have lost count of the number of times we have talked about our future children.  I also really want to be a mother.  If it turns out that this is not physically possible, ok, it will hurt, but at least my husband is not taking away this option. 

He just sees the negative.  That if we had a child, and then the marriage still failed, he would have another child taken away from him,  And this one would be biologically his.  He is worried about his drinking and that he would end up yelling at our child, as he did with his step-daughter.  He doesn't think that he will change his mind about this. 

We are both confused and have no idea if we want to somehow move forward (marriage counseling and individual counseling) or just separate.

I do know that we both love one another.  But it might not be enough. 

It sucks that everything is happening right before Christmas. 

We are still friends, but not really lovers right now.  We have agreed that we want to continue to spend Christmas with my family as planned. 

I have no idea what 2013 will hold in store.  I don't know what I want it to look like.  Is is a brand new start?  Or is it working hard at what I have now.  Sort of a renovation or relocation of my life.