Friday, July 27, 2012

All Muddled Up

My mind has been all over the place lately.  Let's see if can get this out and have it make sense.

I have always seen myself as a mother.  I love children and interacting with them.  On the other hand, I don't want to be over 40 and still trying to conceive.  While I completely support adoption, unless something drastically changes with our financial situation over the next year or two, I just don't think we would be accepted. 

My husband was burned badly in his previous marriage.  The last few visits he had with his step-daughter were torture.  He would have to fight with his ex to see her, they would often have arguments during the pick-up/drop-off, and the whole thing made him upset.  She was 7 the last time he saw her around Christmas in 2007.  He tried to tell her how much he loved her, but she just hid her face and looked sad.  What the hell was her mom telling her?  He thought it would help if he stopped visitation for a while.  Unfortunately his ex took this opportunity to cut him completely out of their lives. 

If only he had the money to adopt her back when they got married.  If only he had the money to make sure he got shared custody when they separated.  Lawyers were just not possible, and when it came down to the divorce she paid for most of it because she was getting remarried, and it was cheaper if he did not contest anything. 

On top of that, turns out his ex is unable to have anymore children.  She had some testing done when they got married.  He never understood why, but from the tests it sounds like maybe her tubes are blocked?  He had a sperm test done after they separated, just for piece of mind, and at that time it was fine. 

So while he would be overjoyed to have a child with me, he is also fine if it is just the two of us. 

I would rather spend the rest of my life with him without children, then leave him just so I could have a child.

This is what keeps both of us from moving forward beyond not using birth control.  That and my weight.  As well as life continuing to get in the way, I keep turning around and it is a few months later.

I know that we should both get some initial testing done.  Another problem is that I do not have a GP.  I sort of have a doctor listed on my records after the whole broken ankle and gallbladder issues.  I should just call her office (she does walk-ins and appointments), and see if she can send me for blood work as well as an HSG and Laparoscopy (as I worry about Endometriosis).

Of course I know our major issue is RW's messed up head and his issues with anejaculation.  We have discussed really TTC in September/October.  So my plan for now is to hope that communication and really giving it a good try will result in a BFP.

Can this please just work, please?


  1. Hi Ren,popping over from ICLW.
    I am child free by choice so cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling about the whole situation, so I am not going to offer any advice.

    Hope you come to terms with whatever you decide and whatever happens

  2. Sending ((hugs)) down the QE2... That's an awful lot to deal with in addition to the issues you guys have with ttc. I will be praying that a clear path will open up for you and make itself apparent.

  3. Thanks for popping by my blog. it's so important I believe to put your relationship first, children should only add to an already happy relationship. too many forget that.happy iclw!

  4. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I think so many of us are simply overwhelmed when faced with infertility issues -- and regular life obstacles seem to always get in the way. Would you consider going to couple's therapy so that you are in a better place before starting IF treatments? Also, blood work and an HSG is a great idea. It's very unlikely though that they would do a laparoscopy "just to check." Best of luck.

  5. We got married young and have pretty much always been super poor. I just graduated nursing school so we are hoping that will change soon. I think you'd be surprised to find out how low the income requirements are to foster adopt in most States. Where I live, they don't even care if you are on food stamps or any other kind of assistance. Here's to hoping that you get a nice e free BFP very soon!