Friday, July 27, 2012

All Muddled Up

My mind has been all over the place lately.  Let's see if can get this out and have it make sense.

I have always seen myself as a mother.  I love children and interacting with them.  On the other hand, I don't want to be over 40 and still trying to conceive.  While I completely support adoption, unless something drastically changes with our financial situation over the next year or two, I just don't think we would be accepted. 

My husband was burned badly in his previous marriage.  The last few visits he had with his step-daughter were torture.  He would have to fight with his ex to see her, they would often have arguments during the pick-up/drop-off, and the whole thing made him upset.  She was 7 the last time he saw her around Christmas in 2007.  He tried to tell her how much he loved her, but she just hid her face and looked sad.  What the hell was her mom telling her?  He thought it would help if he stopped visitation for a while.  Unfortunately his ex took this opportunity to cut him completely out of their lives. 

If only he had the money to adopt her back when they got married.  If only he had the money to make sure he got shared custody when they separated.  Lawyers were just not possible, and when it came down to the divorce she paid for most of it because she was getting remarried, and it was cheaper if he did not contest anything. 

On top of that, turns out his ex is unable to have anymore children.  She had some testing done when they got married.  He never understood why, but from the tests it sounds like maybe her tubes are blocked?  He had a sperm test done after they separated, just for piece of mind, and at that time it was fine. 

So while he would be overjoyed to have a child with me, he is also fine if it is just the two of us. 

I would rather spend the rest of my life with him without children, then leave him just so I could have a child.

This is what keeps both of us from moving forward beyond not using birth control.  That and my weight.  As well as life continuing to get in the way, I keep turning around and it is a few months later.

I know that we should both get some initial testing done.  Another problem is that I do not have a GP.  I sort of have a doctor listed on my records after the whole broken ankle and gallbladder issues.  I should just call her office (she does walk-ins and appointments), and see if she can send me for blood work as well as an HSG and Laparoscopy (as I worry about Endometriosis).

Of course I know our major issue is RW's messed up head and his issues with anejaculation.  We have discussed really TTC in September/October.  So my plan for now is to hope that communication and really giving it a good try will result in a BFP.

Can this please just work, please?

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Wednesday Weekly Weigh-In (on a Thursday)

Well really this is Week #4, even though it is my second weigh-in - so hopefully I can continue from here with actually weekly updates.

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal.

Starting weight:  303.0        
Last Week's Weight:  over the past few weeks I saw 301 and 302 on the scale
Current Weight: 304.2
Goal Weight : 288
My first goal is 5% of my starting weight.  I like breaking down a large goal into smaller, manageable pieces.      

Starting BMI: 44.74
Last Week's BMI:  44.74
Current BMI: 44.92 (morbidly obese)
Goal BMI: 35 to 39.99 Obesity (Class 2)

(from this website

Again, one step at a time.  My first BMI goal will be to get down to the next level.  This will happen at around 270 pounds.  So I will focus on my weight goals first.

2. Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals.

 A.  30 min of activity everyday
 - go to the gym after work on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday
 - walk at lunch on Tuesday and Thursday
 - play Wii exercise games on Saturday and Sunday

My ankle is finally completely healed - well the bone - but the muscles/tendons are weak and sore.  So I think I am going to adjust my goals to go for a walk everyday and build up the strength.  I am also starting physio.

B.  Eat less/better
 - count Weight Watchers points, right now I get 50 per day
 - drink 1L of water and 2 glasses of milk a day
 - 3 servings of milk products (see above plus yogurt) everyday
 - 5 servings of fruit and vegetables

3. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.

I am going to focus on my Eat less/better goals this week.  Especially keeping a food diary and counting WW points.  As well as drinking lots of water.

I also want to take some before pictures and monthly measurements. 

Michele @ Nowhere in NM (TTCer)
Mag @ Witty Infertility (TTCer)
Shannon @ Arkansas Runner (TTCer)
Donor Diva @ Motherhood via Egg Donation (TTC#2)
Ren @ The Brooding Woman (TTCer)
Kristy @ Relaxing Doesn't Get You Pregnant (pregnant) 
Nico @ Phred, Fwed, and Schweffel (postpartum) 
One Day @ Are We There Yet? (postpartum - twins) 
Laura @ Legos and Jets (postpartum) 
Bridget @ The Lost Stork (postpartum)
ks @ Inconceivable!?!?! (postpartum) 
jenn @ Adventures of a Nomadic Housewife (postpartum)
Meghan @ Maybe Baby, It's You...Two! (postpartum - twins) 
Heather @ The Road Less Traveled (postpartum)
DRMama @ Life Amongst the Palm Trees (postpartum) 
Emma @ Emma in Mommyland (postpartum)
E&R @ Dreaming of Babies (postpartum)
Helen @ Our Grand Adventure (postpartum)

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Women I Respect Most

First off - my ankle is completely healed!  No need for even an ankle brace.  I did get a referral for physiotherapy.  I am wearing my sneakers today instead of one shoe and the boot (air cast), and it feels great.

My mom and my aunt are two of the strongest women I know.  They took very different paths in life, but they are both members of the ALI community. 

I have talked before about how my parents had no trouble getting pregnant, but experienced great difficulty staying that way.  My mom shed a little more light on the why while I was in the hospital and we were having one of many conversations. 

When she was a teenager a doctor decided the best way to treat her heavy periods would be to increase the size of her cervix.  Damn crazy 60's medicine.  So basically he created her incompetent cervix.  It's good to know that it is not genetic.  Still, I feel so bad for her and my dad.  They even did a cerclage for the pregnancy with my younger sister (in 1980), but it did not work. 

Then we have my aunt.  Her fallopian tubes were blocked.  They did surgery but it did not work.  At 38 she and my uncle placed themselves on the list to adopt a baby.  Then about a year later she ended up buying her publishing company.  Over the years the business and her employees have become her children.  She once even let me know that there was a failed attempt to adopt a child through a frined of a friend, but the baby's mother decided to parent the child. 

Both my mom and aunt fought hard to be mothers.  One ended up with three children (two biological and one adopted), and the other became a super successful business women with an extremely busy life (volunteer activities, boards, and social engagements). 

I respect them both.

But I hope that I find a way to be a mother.

Monday, July 23, 2012

A Bunch of Stuff

Welcome from ICLW !  I have this goal to set up a couple of tabs at the top of my blog page.  Just the typical "About Me" and "TTC Timeline" and maybe one for "Weight Loss".

I was weighing myself, and then I missed this week.  I really need to just schedule it so that I get into the habit of posting about it every Wednesday.

On to more interesting happenings in my life instead of this drabble.

One of my best friend's got married on July 14.  She was a beautiful bride.  The wedding was fantastic and I got to catch up with some of my old high school friends.  The only damper was that my ankle is still healing (still broken?), so I could not dance the night away.

My company had their annual summer BBQ at my aunt's house.  She is the owner, but when I got hired she only gave me the name of the VP of Sales so I could set up an interview.  Then I was mostly on my own.  We drove up to Edmonton on Saturday.  The food was delicious and my husband and I were the last ones to leave.

I have an appointment with the orthopedic doctor today about my broken ankle.  I really hope it goes well.  I am tired of the cast, although I am lucky it is a boot that I can take on and off for showers.  My upper thigh gets these tingles and pains that make it difficult to sleep.  I want to get the stamina back in my foot.  My foot has also been swelling up a bit at the end of the day, probably because I am doing too much and not keeping it elevated enough.  Broken bones suck.

I had a horrible sleep last night (uncomfortable and hot), so now I am super tired.  Why do we not have nap time at work?