Emotional Quicksand

We had a St. Patrick's Day party on Saturday.  We put up a few decorations we found at the dollar store and wore funny hats plus green clothes.

It was fun at first.  I made green cupcakes with green icing, which were delicious.  A friend brought over a bunch of hamburgers and we threw them on the BBQ (love that it was warm enough to do that). 

The whole group was together again - including us that is 5 couples.  I cannot remember when we were last all together like this.  There was one evening in September, maybe another one in December.  Of course L&J brought their 7 month old twins, who I adore.  A&L are pregnant, just 6.5 weeks along but they had an IUI so we all knew when she got the positive test.  I actually did not think that she would come, the newly pregnant one, and of course she did have to complain a bit, but I could get over that. 

What blindsided me was that G&D are 18 weeks and had not told anyone.  A little bit understandable as I think this is pregnancy #4 after multiple miscarriages.  What makes me question this is that G was diagnosed with ALS this fall.  Also known as Lou Gehrig's disease - it is fatal - and for 80% of cases that is with 2 to 5 years. 

This is where my emotions go all wacky.  How does this couple end up being the ones that are going to have a baby in August?  A child that most likely will not remember his/her own mother.  I should not judge, but my heart is speaking before my head (at least to myself), and I just do not understand. 

So I was hanging out with 2 pregnant women, and the mother of twins, and I also found out about two other August/September babies this weekend.  One is a co-worker and the other is a University friend.  I am happy for all of them, but I am also hurting for me. 

We are coming up on the 3rd anniversary of TTC - 3 years since I took my last birth control pill.  I should have a toddler or baby of mine own to hold while I hear about the happy news of other couples.  It's hard because part of the reason for our IF is that I use my defensive mechanism of procrastination.  If I had just stuck to WW last year I would be that much closer to being pregnant, if not pregnant already. 

So my emotions are dragging me down a bit today.