Ups and Downs

Things are not really improving.  They are not getting worse either.  We are just getting through each day.

My husband and I had another serious talk last Monday, January 7.  Nothing much was decided.  We are still not happy, but we aren't really doing anything to work on our marriage.  He leaves for work just after I do everyday and doesn't come home until sometime between 7:00pm and 9:00pm.  He won't even touch me anymore.  I need some human contact.  He doesn't want to officially separate and split up all our things.  I am just tired of living in limbo.  He wants to spend some real time apart, not just the few days that we had away from each other at Christmas.  I am going to head up to Edmonton for a week and work out of our head office. 

I have made some phone calls about counseling.  I just need to stop procrastinating and actually book an appointment.  Even if it ends up just being for me. 

Weight is still going down, but I need to start adding some form of exercise.  I have a couple of games for the Wii that I bought right before I broke my ankle in May.  Going to pull those out and give it a real go.  I heard a really good suggestion in my last Weight Watchers meeting about preparing the next day's meal the evening before (while doing dishes, cleaning up etc).  It just means planning meals a week ahead.  It worked well on Monday.  I had the slow cooker going all evening and Tuesday I came home and just had to heat up dinner.  Wednesday I just cooked up something quick on the spot, and I will do the same tonight, but I have everything planned for another slow cooker meal on Friday.  One step at a time and I will make planning dinners into a routine (I wonder if this is going to be one of the routines we work on at WW in an upcoming month).

My course registration is paid, I am booked to do an orientation phone call on Tuesday, and my materials are being delivered to my parent's house in Edmonton on Monday.  I can't wait to get started on the program.

Life is moving forward, it is just both too slow and too fast at the same time.

Goals for 2013

My theme for 2013 is "Moving Forward"

I am going to put myself first.  I am going to do things that make me happy.

Not to sound like a broken record, but I am going to lose weight and get healthy.  I am determined this time.  I actually have been working on this for a few weeks.

On November 17 I headed back to a Weight Watchers meeting.  I weighed in at 314.8 pounds.  Not as bad as the 322.2 I was last year, but not as good as the 297 I managed after getting out of the hospital.  I am now down 13.2 pounds and getting close to weighing under 300 again.

Goal #1 - Improve Health.  In progress and I am doing well so far.

I just signed up and was accepted into Robertson College for the Legal Secretary course. What I love about this program is that it is online and I can progress at my own speed.  I could potentially finish it in as little as 7 months, but I figure it will take me about a year, maybe a bit more.  This will allow me to move forward with my career.  After this I would like to take some additional courses and eventually end up as a Paralegal. 

Goal #2 - Improve Career.  Just waiting to receive my materials so I can get started.

I think these two goals are a good start.  Goals that are all about me.  That is what I need right now.  

'I'll Be There For You"

Ah "Friends" - I loved (still love) that television show.  In fact I watched a bit of an episode last night.  The One Where Phoebe Runs.  Seeing Rachel let go and run like a child still makes me smile. 

I have awesome friends.  IRL and Online. 

When I first staring writing about all that was happening with my marriage, I got a lot of supportive responses.  Some were comments here on my blog.  Some were comments on the journal I had on an online community. 

Christmas was hard, and awkward, but also not all bad.  I left for Edmonton on Saturday, and spent most of the bus ride snoozing or texting my best friends. 

My husband drove up on Christmas Eve after work.  He finally pulled into my parents driveway around 7:45pm.  He worked until 3:00, and then packed the car and made the 300km drive north.  I still think he could have planned better.  Either by talking to his boss a week or so before Christmas and letting him know that he had to leave by 12:00pm.  He had banked hours, I am sure they would have been accommodating.  But if he had to work until 3:00pm, so be it, he should have been ready to hit the road at 3:00pm, not 4:00pm.  Oh well. 

Traditionally we open presents on Christmas Eve after a nice, special dinner.  This year we cooked up meat and veggies on hot stones.  The gifting part was rushed because my husband was running late and my almost 89 year old grandmother was tired and needed to get back to her place by 9:00/9:30pm. 

I was spoiled, as usual, but part of me wanted to return the "us" gifts and exchange them for things that "I" need like new clothes.  A bit selfish on my part.  I just worry that we will never get a chance to play our new games together.  It was my favourite part of getting together with the old gang of Calgary people. Playing games like Settlers of Catan, Carcassonne, Dominion, Peurto Rico, Power Grid etc.

Christmas Dinner was epic and delicious as usual.  My husband and brothers stayed up to watch World Junior Hockey.  The next day my husband packed up and left for home.

A part of me was actually glad to see him leave.  I missed him, sure, but it was awkward when he was there.

I managed to get together with my friends on Saturday afternoon.  They had great advice and perspective.  They let me talk and cry and just be me.  They were supportive.

I'm not sure what happens now, but I need to find a way to move back home.  Back to my fellow weight loss warriors.  Back to laughing over nothing and getting together to watch guilty television.  Back to being able to just get together for coffee and conversation and hugs anytime I want.