I have been reading a really great blog written by a woman who went through a horrible end to her marriage. In particular she recently wrote something that struck a chord with me about her ex being on a snipe hunt for happiness. He was on a wild goose chase, searching for something impossible because true happiness is found within, not anywhere in the outside world.
You can read more of what she wrote here: Snip Hunt
I look back on it and I can see how my husband was truly not content with himself, and so he was continually searching for something to fill that hole inside.
He would drink to excess on weekends on a regular basis and went through phases where he was imbibing every single night. I think it was a way to cover up his true emotions. He could never learn that alcohol was not going to make him happy.
He was unable to control his spending habits and stick to a budget. We accumulated debt not only because of the times he was unemployed, but also because he was buying things we didn't need.
Then there was the porn, and flirting with other women, and emails with naked pictures. Sure it probably made him excited at the moment - but it obviously didn't truly fill the void inside him.
Over the 5 years of our relationship and the 1 year of our separation he had 8 different jobs. Another sign that he was not satisfied with his life. Sometimes he would mention the chance he had to work at the Banff Springs Hotel (which I think would have been around 1998 after he finished a course in hotel management), with a wistfulness. As if taking that job would have changed anything. Not unless he was comfortable with himself.
I realize now that there is nothing I could do to make him happy. You can't make another person at peace with themselves - it's like trying to carry water in your hands. He was always looking for the easy road and a marriage takes hard work. You would think that he would have learned something from his first marriage - taken some lessons and experience and applied it to our relationship. No he just continued to make the same mistakes with drinking too much, not controlling his finances, and cheating. He did not go to counselling with me because that would have shone a light in places he wants to keep hidden.
What I do realize is that I am happy. I enjoy my new position in the circulation department and the poeple I work with every day. I like spending time with my family. My friends are awesome and we have fun when we get together.
I am eating right, exercising and losing weight because I am not focused on someone else (in a flawed way), I am putting me first.
My present and future are filled with good things because I am content with the person I am right now.