I was trying to work on my online courses on Saturday while listening to music. Adele's song "Rolling In The Deep" came on, and I just started crying. The lyrics were just hitting too close to home for me. Luckily I was able to get a hold of one of my best friends (first through texts and then on Skype). I felt a bit better after the conversation.
My husband moved back home on Sunday. He was butting heads with the friend he was crashing with since I got back from Edmonton. He brought back all his clothes and stuff, but I am now sleeping in the second bedroom.
We had another serious talk on Monday evening.
He said he missed me while we were living apart, that he still loves me but he is not in love with me.
He doesn't want to go to counseling, he doesn't think it will work. It seems like he is not willing to do anything to improve our relationship and see if we can save our marriage.
It just makes me so angry and frustrated and hurt.
All relationships experience highs and lows. We were in a bit of a down period and his reaction is to turn to other women? To increase his drinking? I just can't understand how he could think this would help. I know we are not the best at communicating, but he should have known that all he had to do was talk with me about how he was feeling.
He complains about how he had to initiate sex all the time, and when he stopped, we stopped having sex. This is only partially true. There are plenty of times when I started things, but I also did not want to make love with him when he was drinking. I told him I wanted to work on our physical relationship plenty of times, but I was feeling like I had to do all the work.
We have just not been partners lately.
I finally got him to admit that he wants to officially separate.
We are going to start by sitting down on Thursday and going over the finances. We will set up a separate bank account for my husband. Then I guess the next step is finding him a place to live. I think we would be living apart by April, maybe May if he is having trouble with the rental search. There is not really any rush, except that I want to move forward.
I can't wait to be back in Edmonton. Where I have the support from my friends and family - that they will physically be there for me. My safe haven. My soft landing place so I pick myself up again.
My heart is broken, but I am strong. I can still see this going either way (reconciliation or divorce), but I will not have him back in my life because I am lonely. I deserve to be loved and feel like I am special.
The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it to the beat