Sunday, March 17, 2013

A Safe Place to Land

My parents are just so great.  I wish I had better words to explain all the love and support they have provided me through all of this. 

I was a mess on Friday.  I could not stop crying.  My hormones and emotions were all over the place.

On Saturday morning I called my mom.  Just hearing her voice made me feel so much better, but she also had some good things to say as well.  Here is a good summery of what we talked about.

My husband is just incapable of empathizing with other people.  He is selfish and unable to see the ramifications of his actions.  We would not be surprised if his mom drank while pregnant with him.  I remember talking to my MIL once and it was a few weeks before she found out she was pregnant.  So this might make sense.  If he was born a few years later, he may also have been diagnosed as having ADHD.  He just cannot keep his attention on any one thing, including people and relationships, for a long period of time.  He is restless, can't keep still, and doesn't like to just relax.  I hate to say this but he is just not that smart.  It might be due to a lack of attention and concentration.

I am unsure if he has ever been in a relationship where he has not been unfaithful.  He cheated on his ex-wife.  He started his relationship with me when technically he was still seeing his previous girlfriend.  In fact he slept with her, then drove to Edmonton for training, and then had his first date with me.  There was even another girl at that time that wanted to hook up with him, but he hooked up with me first.

It's hard for me not to see like our whole relationship was a huge mistake.  I was 30 when we started dating.  I wanted to find a husband and have kids.  I can look back on it and admit that I jumped at the chance for this too fast.  He was extremely charming, and at the beginning he said all the right things.  Still, a part of me wishes I saw the truth before I moved to Calgary.  Of course I have to stop with the "what if's" - I can't go back in time.

Sure the drinking was a problem, but to me this is bigger.  He is immature and for whatever reason cannot stop the inappropriate texts and emails.  He obviously has deep set issues and would really benefit from some therapy.  

I talked to my dad this morning.  Nothing serious, mostly about the weather, but the undertone was that he is always there for me.

I am almost all packed.  It's hard, but I know that I need to leave this toxic place and start new.  Is it wrong that I also want karma to bite him in the ass?  I want him to hurt as much as he has hurt me.  I am working on letting this go, but it will take time. 

Let me also just say again how awesome all of you are that have supported me through all of this.  Your comments are really appreciated. 


  1. You know what, thank you for posting this. As selfish as it sounds of me to say (and I don't mean it like that in the slightest) you have just 'verified' many of my feelings and emotions experienced mid 2012. I went from begging/pleading/wanting to try ANYTHING to make my marriage work to anger very suddenly, and it sounds like you've made a sudden change too. I also looked for clinical issues that would cause his lack of remorse and empathy.... I then sunk into a self pity stage before reaching an acceptance stage, when I finally washed my hands of it all. Now, he annoys me. Upsets me. But I don't really 'care' if that makes sense? I hope that you can come through things with as little pain as possible and it sounds like heading back home is right where you need to be. Lots of love. X

  2. It's not selfish at all Hayley. I am definitely going back and forth between anger and sadness. Thanks for the comments.