Is it wrong of me that I just really want karma to bite my husband in the ass, really hard?
I just don't understand how it seems like he can just throw away the past 5 years without caring. It makes me so angry. My world is spinning apart and he goes out most nights and doesn't come home until I am already asleep.
Although I believe if he was hurting as much as I am, then we would still be together trying to work things out. Still, I want him to hurt. I want him to feel lost and experience repercussions for being the selfish, lazy, asshole that abandoned me.
I just keep telling myself that I only have one more night sleeping in that house. Then my younger brothers are driving down, packing up a truck, and we are taking everything up to Edmonton. I will be back in Calgary on Tuesday morning to finish up a few things at the office - but I am going to stay with my VP of Sales for Tuesday & Wednesday night.
Thursday night I will make that trip north up the QE2 one last time.
A part of me never wants to see my husband's face again. I just want to erase our whole relationship like the delete button on a computer. It wasn't that it was all bad, it's just that I look back and fee like I got nothing out of our marriage. Sure we had fun together, most of the time, but now it just all feels trivial and pointless. I ended up gaining back most of the weight I lost. I think it was a sign of how unhealthy the situation was for me. I hate that I was so desperate for love and a future with a husband & children that I failed to step back and analyze what I was doing, take a sharp look at what I was getting into. I was naive.
I guess love really is blind.
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I wish you all the best. It sounds like you are going through a very tough time, but there is a saying " what doesn't kill us makes us stronger". xx debbie
ReplyDeleteI hope by now you are settled in Edmonton and are on the road to making peace with all that has happened. It may seem now that your relationship was trivial and a waste but I'm sure in time you may find you learned something or there was some other reason you went through it all. Remember to take care of yourself.
ReplyDelete"Although I believe if he was hurting as much as I am, then we would still be together trying to work things out. Still, I want him to hurt. I want him to feel lost and experience repercussions for being the selfish, lazy, asshole that abandoned me."
ReplyDeleteThat sums up exactly how I felt 3.5 years ago. Been thinking of you recently and I hope you are now settled in back home. Sending you big hugs from across the pond xxx