Friday, March 22, 2013
Wishing for a Little Payback
Is it wrong of me that I just really want karma to bite my husband in the ass, really hard?
I just don't understand how it seems like he can just throw away the past 5 years without caring. It makes me so angry. My world is spinning apart and he goes out most nights and doesn't come home until I am already asleep.
Although I believe if he was hurting as much as I am, then we would still be together trying to work things out. Still, I want him to hurt. I want him to feel lost and experience repercussions for being the selfish, lazy, asshole that abandoned me.
I just keep telling myself that I only have one more night sleeping in that house. Then my younger brothers are driving down, packing up a truck, and we are taking everything up to Edmonton. I will be back in Calgary on Tuesday morning to finish up a few things at the office - but I am going to stay with my VP of Sales for Tuesday & Wednesday night.
Thursday night I will make that trip north up the QE2 one last time.
A part of me never wants to see my husband's face again. I just want to erase our whole relationship like the delete button on a computer. It wasn't that it was all bad, it's just that I look back and fee like I got nothing out of our marriage. Sure we had fun together, most of the time, but now it just all feels trivial and pointless. I ended up gaining back most of the weight I lost. I think it was a sign of how unhealthy the situation was for me. I hate that I was so desperate for love and a future with a husband & children that I failed to step back and analyze what I was doing, take a sharp look at what I was getting into. I was naive.
I guess love really is blind.