Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Silver Linings

My life is not all gloom and doom.  There are a few moments of sunshine here and there.

As of Feb 9 I am down 19 pounds since I started back at WW, and a total of 26 pounds since May 16.  I am back under 300 pounds, and my next goal is to lose a total of 25 pounds with WW (6 pounds to go).  I admit that with the separation and the three work events over the past three weeks, I have not been following the plan.  I missed my weigh in on Saturday as I was in Edmonton with my family.  Hopefully I have not actually gained any weight at my weigh in this Saturday, but if I am up about a pound, I will be ok.

When I was in Edmonton over this past long weekend I met up with one of my best friends.  We had coffee and talked.  I plan to attend WW meetings with her on Tuesday evening once I move.  We also talked about going to aquasize together too.  Losing weight is always easier when you have a buddy.

I also got the chance to speak to my aunt (and my company's President and CEO) on Saturday.  I walked over to her house and we shared a cup of tea.  She had spoke to the other VP at the company (the first is the VP of Sales, my direct boss, who is here in Calgary) on Friday after hearing about the separation from my mom (her sister).  There is an excellent opportunity in the circulation department that I have decided to take.  I will be making $3800.00 more a year to start, and $4300.00 more a year after 6 months.  Not only that, but this position has the potential for advancement, where my current one does not.  I am actually very excited about this and it is a much better option compared to trying to find a new job on top of moving back to Edmonton.

My online course is going well.  The first few modules are all about computers and the Microsoft Office programs, all of which I am comfortable with, so I have been working through the online tutorials and assessments quickly.  I am experiencing a few problems with the keyboard on my laptop, but hopefully I will have that resolved this week.

 “I learned the hard way that I cannot always count on others to respect my feelings, even if I respect theirs. Being a good person doesn’t guarantee that others will be good people, too. You only have control over yourself and how you choose to be as a person. As for others, you can only choose to accept them or walk away.”


Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Rolling In The Deep

I was trying to work on my online courses on Saturday while listening to music.  Adele's song "Rolling In The Deep" came on, and I just started crying.  The lyrics were just hitting too close to home for me.  Luckily I was able to get a hold of one of my best friends (first through texts and then on Skype).  I felt a bit better after the conversation.

My husband moved back home on Sunday.  He was butting heads with the friend he was crashing with since I got back from Edmonton.  He brought back all his clothes and stuff, but I am now sleeping in the second bedroom. 

We had another serious talk on Monday evening. 

He said he missed me while we were living apart, that he still loves me but he is not in love with me. 

He doesn't want to go to counseling, he doesn't think it will work.  It seems like he is not willing to do anything to improve our relationship and see if we can save our marriage.

It just makes me so angry and frustrated and hurt. 

All relationships experience highs and lows.  We were in a bit of a down period and his reaction is to turn to other women?  To increase his drinking?  I just can't understand how he could think this would help.  I know we are not the best at communicating, but he should have known that all he had to do was talk with me about how he was feeling. 

He complains about how he had to initiate sex all the time, and when he stopped, we stopped having sex.  This is only partially true.  There are plenty of times when I started things, but I also did not want to make love with him when he was drinking.  I told him I wanted to work on our physical relationship plenty of times, but I was feeling like I had to do all the work. 

We have just not been partners lately.

I finally got him to admit that he wants to officially separate.

We are going to start by sitting down on Thursday and going over the finances.  We will set up a separate bank account for my husband.  Then I guess the next step is finding him a place to live.  I think we would be living apart by April, maybe May if he is having trouble with the rental search.  There is not really any rush, except that I want to move forward. 

I can't wait to be back in Edmonton.  Where I have the support from my friends and family - that they will physically be there for me.  My safe haven.  My soft landing place so I pick myself up again.

My heart is broken, but I am strong.  I can still see this going either way (reconciliation or divorce), but I will not have him back in my life because I am lonely.  I deserve to be loved and feel like I am special.  

The scars of your love remind me of us 
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all 
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless  
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all  

Rolling in the deep  
You had my heart inside your hand  
And you played it to the beat 

  - Adele

Sunday, February 3, 2013


Still here, living in limbo . . . I am so frustrated and tired.

I was in Edmonton living with my parents and youngest brother from Saturday January 19 to Sunday January 27.  Packed that Saturday morning, stopped at the office to grab my computer and hit the road.  Weather was good until I was about an hour from my parents house, and then it began to snow.  A few more kilometres down the road there was an accident and traffic stopped dead for about 30min.  Eventually I made it home. 

I worked out of the head office of my company for the week.  It was nice, being able to interact with all the people I usually only get to talk to on the phone or through emails.  There is a possibility that the sales assistant in Edmonton might not last in the job (whether that means she quits or is let go), I would jump at the chance to take over.  I let my aunt (the CEO) know that I should be the first person they talk to about filling the position.  Our Vice President of Sales seems a little resistant to this, but I am sure she would prefer finding one person for Calgary over having to find two new people (me and a person in Edmonton).  Because I just don't see myself staying in Calgary for much longer.

When I got back to Calgary on the 27th, my husband packed up and is crashing at his friend C's house.  He is still there and planning to come home next Sunday?  I think? 

We talk, well text and instant message - but it's all superficial.  Discussions about our hockey pool, and the budget for the week, and my cold.  Ya, on top of everything I caught my mom's cold and was sick all this past week.  Only missed one day of work and still helped out with a big luncheon event we held on Tuesday.  Anyway, I really think one of the things I need to do this week is just suck it up and ask my husband a couple of serious questions.  Even if that is over texting.

What I want is to be number one in his life, for him to stop flirting/texting/emailing etc other women, and for him to get counseling for the drinking.

Not unreasonable.

I just don't know if he is willing to do that.  To work on things and fight for us.