Trying to Move Forward

I have been having a difficult time lately.

I stopped attending WW meetings, after I had lost 17.2 pounds. It has been hard to come up with the money for the meetings and pay down the dept we had from my husband being out of work for four months. As well as it was difficult to get to the meetings.

I want to try to do WW online (my mom said she would pay), but I keep enjoying all the good food at the various events of the past 6 weeks, and I never quite get back on program.

Maybe if I write it down here I WILL weigh myself on Friday morning and make up a healthy food plan for the week.

It has been a busy month and this will continue until June. First up is the Victoria Day long weekend full of plans and fun with friends. Then we are gong camping for two nights (May 27 & 28), and then on the 29th I leave for a sales retreat in Banff.

Our friends that are expecting twins are getting married on June 12. Our neighbours get possession of their new home June 17. The fourth couple in our group has a band and they are trying to release their first CD sometime in June.

When things get busy my eating habits are affected. I have to figure out a way to still eat right and exercise while enjoying my social life.

A little history

I have never been pregnant, never seen a positive pregnancy test, never even really thought there was a good chance I was pregnant (just a bunch of hopes that would crash down with temperature drops each month).

My mother on the other hand was extremely fertile. Unfortunately she had problems staying pregnant. Her incompetent cervix liked to dilate way before it was time to even think of those things. As a result I had an older brother that passed away at a week old in January of 1977, and a younger sister that passed away at almost a month old in 1981 (I feel bad for forgetting which month). My mom also had at least two 2nd tri miscarriages. She was dealt a crappy, crappy hand.

I somehow managed to make it to 31 weeks, and was born in October of 1977. I stayed in the hospital for a month, and other than my crummy lungs, I have no other long term effects.

My parents adopted their next child - my younger brother TJ - to continue with their plan of having 4 children.

When my mom got pregnant for at least the 6th time, she had her cervix stitched up, and my youngest brother was born the day after my birthday at 36, almost 37 weeks.

I really respect my parents for continuing to TTC and staying together while experiencing so much loss and heartbreak.

If it is not one thing . . .

. . . then it is another.

I was on my way to work on Monday and all of a sudden my car started to make horrible knocking and popping sounds and it got worse as I tried to accelerate. I managed to make my way home and then drive it over to the auto shop by my house after work.

Of course it turns out to be a major issue - one of the rocker arms and valves separated and of course, in doing so, stripped the bolt. They tired a couple of different things, but to no avail, and now they are pricing out a new cylinder head.

Crap.

Now I will have to make a decision whether to spend the money to get it fixed, or let my poor first car go and drive my grandmother's boat for a while until I can afford a new (to me) car.

I am just not sure it is worth it to put a couple more thousand into a 2003 vehicle that also needs brake & shock work.

What the Hell is IN the water - and can I drink some?

My poor husband got sick at work yesterday, and so I being the wonderful wife that I am, left my work to go pick him up and take him home. He felt like a truck ran over him and we were both worried about him getting home on public transit.

By the time I got home around 5:00pm, he was feeling better, not 100%, but much better. I was feeling more human again too, as AF had really sucked all the energy out of me this cycle. At least I was feeling good until I got some interesting news.

Yet again, one of our friends is experiencing an unplanned and unexpected pregnancy.

Sigh.

While I will give her all my support, and do whatever I can to help her out, I have to admit that I am really jealous. I ran out to grab us some dinner shortly after discussing this situation, and I will admit that I shed a few tears. When will it be OUR turn?

We both want this so much. We want to be parents and raise our children together. How is it so easy for most of the other people around us to get pregnant, but so hard for us?

Urgh.

It's Complicated

Well I was down a total of 15.6 pounds - then I went up .8 (which is nothing) - and then I missed two WW meetings. So this Thursday I will go back, take the consequences of not being totally on the program over the last two weeks, and move forward.

I am still not pregnant. With my husband not working we had not really been trying since our honeymoon in October . . . but on the other hand, I realized this weekend that it has been almost two years since I took my last birth control pill.

April 1, 2009 I took my last pill and on April 5 AF arrived and we starting trying to conceive. That works out to about 26 cycles, and not even a hint of sperm meeting egg. Even if we subtract the cycles where I was planning our wedding, and tried not to have sex around when I thought I might ovulate, that is still 10 cycles where we had a chance.

I have pretty regular cycles, I know I ovulate through temping, ovulation predictor tests and my fertility monitor - so why is this not working? I know I need to get back to a healthier weight, and I have always suspected I may have endometriosis, but lots of women get pregnant with these issues.

I am really starting to think this may have more to do with my husband than me. I know that he has issues with anejaculation (as in he does not finish and orgasm) when he is stressed or not feeling well - maybe this is a bigger problem than I thought?

My plan going forward is to really try (ie lots of sex around the time I ovulate) for the next few months, and if I am not pregnant by our first anniversary we can get some testing done.

I am going to try to relax and just have fun - that is supposed to work, right?

Working - the good and bad

Well my darling husband is now fully employed again! It is such a relief.

The next couple of weeks, until he receives his first pay cheque will be difficult, but after that it will much less stressful.

It's not too far from home, but the bus schedule is a little off in that area, so he ends up having to leave the house at 7:00am and gets to work just after 8:00am when he starts at 8:30am. Oh well, I guess it is time for him to eat his breakfast.

It also is only an average paying job, we were hoping (way back in November), for a new job that paid better than his old one, but at this point we are not going to be picky.

If only I could find a better job. I had yet another stupid disagreement with my boss, and all because I was doing what my manager here in Calgary had asked of me based on the information provided. We need to communicate better as a team. We also need to write proper notes in our database - and also READ the notes that are there. Why would you continue to contact a client if someone else already has? Urgh. I just really hate feeling like I did something wrong, when I am really only 10% to blame. The rest of the issue belongs to my manager, the other person working on the same account in Edmonton, and our VP of sales.

I do not get paid enough to put up with this crap.

But when would I have time to find and interview for another job? And if I do manage to get over those hurdles, what about the whole plan to get pregnant? I would lose out on maternity benefits if I started a new job, and then left on leave before a year.

I just want to have a baby and then find another job. Sounds so easy when you write it like that. Sigh.

Unemployment Drama

Well I have been back at WW for 5 weeks now and I have lost a total of 11.4 pounds - this is just a bit more than 2 pounds a week, which is excellent progress.

My husband had another job interview last week and I am just crossing every finger and toe that he gets this job. He should hear about it one way or another early next week.

He lost his job at the beginning of November. Well actually he quit because he thought he had a new opportunity lined up, and then it fell through while we were on our honeymoon. He tried to talk to his former company about working longer or keeping his job, but his boss had already processed the record of employment and she was upset about the small amount of notice.

It all started when he took off a morning for "an appointment at the bank" that was really the first step in interviewing for a new job. Since we were leaving on our honeymoon in just a few days, he stayed longer and had a one on one interview. So he was late getting to work.

Then he was feeling guilty. If he got the new job it would start the week after we got back from our honeymoon. So being a really nice guy, the Friday before we left on our cruise, he went in to talk to his boss and ended up giving his 2 weeks notice.

Except he was going on vacation, so it really ended up being 4 days notice (we had booked the Monday off of work after traveling all day Sunday). So whether he had talked to his boss before the honeymoon or not, it was the same amount of notice. Urgh !

Then he got an email while we were on the trip that he did not get the new job. Crap. On top of all of this, his old job would not pay him for the vacation as he left 4 days after getting back. Double Crap.

Looking back there are so many other ways I wish my husband would have handled this, but you cannot go back in time.

So for three months he has been looking for work. He has gone on about 5 interviews, but no results yet.

At this point, I don't care if it it temp work or part time - he just needs a job.

Sigh. Life is just so complicated sometimes - all because my husband was just trying to be considerate and a nice guy.