So back to the intense conversations that I had with my husband on Saturday night.
The reason I wrote about his ex-wife and step daughter is that emotionally he is still messed up about how everything ended up. He feels guilty for walking away from the little girl, but he also feels like AM ripped her away from him. Unfortunately because he is not her biological father and he never adopted her, he has no legal rights to be able to see AR. It sucks.
One of the ways that this has impacted him psychologically is that he rarely ejaculates during sex. Also, lately we have not been having sex at all. Mostly because I feel fat and not sexy at all, and with his back issues I do not want to hurt him.
He is worried that I will leave him if we can't have children together. I think that there are a lot of avenues to discuss before we have to worry about not ever being parents. He is able to finish himself off - so I am going to talk to him about at home insemination once I lose a few pounds.
2012 will be about getting healthy mentally and physically.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
The Ex Factor
It was another typical crazy weekend for myself and my husband.
Friday we met after work for dinner and then went out furniture shopping. We used the money his parents already sent us for Christmas and bought a dining room set. Now hopefully it is delivered tomorrow. It was supposed to be delivered yesterday, but two of the drivers called in sick.
Saturday I went to Wally World to get some shopping done and then in the evening we headed across the city for a birthday party at a small bar. This lead to my husband having a lot of fun, mostly involving beer and good talks with our friend GP.
Way back in one of my first blog posts (March 2010 maybe?) I mentioned that RW was married before. He still gets angry when he talks about her. When they met, she had a 2 year old daughter from a previous relationship (I will refer to my husband's ex as AM and her daughter as AR). It was mostly because of AR that AM and RW got married. He was in love with that little girl and AM wanted a father for her daughter. They got married, but separated shortly after their first anniversary. All they did was fight with one another, and both of them had cheated on one another.
RW would go see AR as often as he could up until Christmas of 2007. He loved that little girl, and considered her his daughter, but every time he spent time with her, he ended up fighting with her mother. So he decided that maybe it would be best if he didn't see AR for a while. Unfortunately AM took this opportunity and then prevented RW from ever seeing her again. He managed to see her school picture when they signed the divorce papers in early 2009. When Am re-married in December of 2009, a cousin of hers shared the pictures of AR with my husband, but when she found out she made the cousin take them off FB.
My husband has tried a few times to reach out and smooth things over with AM. He once wrote this very long email apologizing for his actions, but the only response he got from her was a lie about her cheating with one of his best friends. Every once in a while they will exchange a couple of texts, but she always stops answering first. A few weeks ago she said she would mail some old photos she found of my husband as a child, but we have not seem them yet.
In conversations that were had at the party this weekend, a lot of the emotional fallout of all of this was brought up. Both of us ended up shedding some tears, but we know that we love one another and really want to work on getting pregnant in 2012.
Friday we met after work for dinner and then went out furniture shopping. We used the money his parents already sent us for Christmas and bought a dining room set. Now hopefully it is delivered tomorrow. It was supposed to be delivered yesterday, but two of the drivers called in sick.
Saturday I went to Wally World to get some shopping done and then in the evening we headed across the city for a birthday party at a small bar. This lead to my husband having a lot of fun, mostly involving beer and good talks with our friend GP.
Way back in one of my first blog posts (March 2010 maybe?) I mentioned that RW was married before. He still gets angry when he talks about her. When they met, she had a 2 year old daughter from a previous relationship (I will refer to my husband's ex as AM and her daughter as AR). It was mostly because of AR that AM and RW got married. He was in love with that little girl and AM wanted a father for her daughter. They got married, but separated shortly after their first anniversary. All they did was fight with one another, and both of them had cheated on one another.
RW would go see AR as often as he could up until Christmas of 2007. He loved that little girl, and considered her his daughter, but every time he spent time with her, he ended up fighting with her mother. So he decided that maybe it would be best if he didn't see AR for a while. Unfortunately AM took this opportunity and then prevented RW from ever seeing her again. He managed to see her school picture when they signed the divorce papers in early 2009. When Am re-married in December of 2009, a cousin of hers shared the pictures of AR with my husband, but when she found out she made the cousin take them off FB.
My husband has tried a few times to reach out and smooth things over with AM. He once wrote this very long email apologizing for his actions, but the only response he got from her was a lie about her cheating with one of his best friends. Every once in a while they will exchange a couple of texts, but she always stops answering first. A few weeks ago she said she would mail some old photos she found of my husband as a child, but we have not seem them yet.
In conversations that were had at the party this weekend, a lot of the emotional fallout of all of this was brought up. Both of us ended up shedding some tears, but we know that we love one another and really want to work on getting pregnant in 2012.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Broken Record
So two weeks ago I wanted to make a plan, to take some small steps towards getting healthy so that I can TTC in 2012.
I am my own worst enemy. I often procrastinate and take the easy way out. This is never good, it just makes me frustrated and upset with myself.
One of my excuses has been the cost of healthy food and a gym membership. My wonderful husband just got a $2000 a year raise as well as a year-end bonus. So finances are not a barrier right now. We were also were given an exercise bike from friends that moved - although it needs a power cord - but they think they found it, so we just need to arrange to meet up.
I need to go to bed earlier, so that I get up earlier, and have time for just 30 minutes of exercise.
The holidays are always a hard time for me to eat right and exercise, so I actually want to start now in the hopes that it will make January seem easy.
I am my own worst enemy. I often procrastinate and take the easy way out. This is never good, it just makes me frustrated and upset with myself.
One of my excuses has been the cost of healthy food and a gym membership. My wonderful husband just got a $2000 a year raise as well as a year-end bonus. So finances are not a barrier right now. We were also were given an exercise bike from friends that moved - although it needs a power cord - but they think they found it, so we just need to arrange to meet up.
I need to go to bed earlier, so that I get up earlier, and have time for just 30 minutes of exercise.
The holidays are always a hard time for me to eat right and exercise, so I actually want to start now in the hopes that it will make January seem easy.
Friday, December 2, 2011
One Step at a Time
So I have to break this down and take this one step at a time.
This morning I weighed myself before my shower. 312.4 pounds - eek! My highest recorded weight was 337, right before I started WW in November of 2005. I refuse to see myself get to 320. In fact I am going to go back down to the 200's and say goodbye to being 300 plus pounds forever.
I did join the gym at work. Well it is a small gym that is in the same building as our office. The problem is that it is constantly booked and I am just not comfortable working out in such a small space with other people. In late Dec I am going to look into going back to Spa Lady - it really worked for me last time. I am also going to talk to my boss about working 9:00am to 5:30pm so that I have time to work out in the mornings.
So step one was to weigh in this morning.
Step two will be to log the food I eat.
Each small step will bring me closer to my goal of losing weight and getting healthy so that I can get pregnant.
This morning I weighed myself before my shower. 312.4 pounds - eek! My highest recorded weight was 337, right before I started WW in November of 2005. I refuse to see myself get to 320. In fact I am going to go back down to the 200's and say goodbye to being 300 plus pounds forever.
I did join the gym at work. Well it is a small gym that is in the same building as our office. The problem is that it is constantly booked and I am just not comfortable working out in such a small space with other people. In late Dec I am going to look into going back to Spa Lady - it really worked for me last time. I am also going to talk to my boss about working 9:00am to 5:30pm so that I have time to work out in the mornings.
So step one was to weigh in this morning.
Step two will be to log the food I eat.
Each small step will bring me closer to my goal of losing weight and getting healthy so that I can get pregnant.
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