And just like that I am pulled back into a place of anger.
He is just such a messed up person. I was definitely blinded by his charisma, influenced to continue my relationship with him because he was attractive and charming. I know I mentioned it before, but I do believe that he might have a mild psychological disorder. Something just a bit more than the craziness that we all have. Maybe borderline personality disorder? ADD? FAE? Whatever it is, I just cannot understand what goes on in his mind. It makes no sense. Especially to someone like me who is very logical.
He was fired from his job at the tax company at the end of tax season (April 30). He reached out to his circle in Calgary, and quickly found a new job back at the investment company he worked at in 2009-2010. This time as an assistant to one of the consultants.
On June 21, Calgary experienced a huge flood. I texted my ex that morning just to check and see if he was ok. He was actually just about to leave for work. But the mayor of Calgary was telling everyone to stay home. Areas close to the Elbow and Bow rivers started to be evacuated. Transit was unable to operate downtown, including the C-train (as the tracks were under water). Eventually he figured out that he didn't need to go into work that day.
The next day I texted him to remind him to pay the cable/internet/phone bill. With the loss of his job, he had not been paying the full amount. It is still listed under my name because I signed the agreement when we set it up about a year ago.
Well I got no response. I figured his pay cheque would be used for rent at the end of the month, so I waited until yesterday and messaged him again to pay off the amount oweing.
He finally got back to me at the end of the day and let me know that his job "didn't work out. Boss was an asshole and wasn't getting paid enough". WTF? I have no idea if he quit or was fired. Yet again he is out of work. This was the 7th job he held in the past 5 years - 2 of those he quit, 2 of those he was let go, and 2 where he was fired, and then this one. So of course this means that he can't switch the last couple of financial ties that we have into his name (including the cable), because he won't pass the credit check (they want him to work at the same place for at least 3 months).
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
If I had just made sure that the switches were made back in March. But I can't go back in time. I am just so tired of feeling like I have to pay for his mistakes. Like he is continuing to drag me down just when I feel I am rising above all the crappy parts of the past 5 years.
I will figure this out. I can't wait until we have nothing connecting us but the divorce papers.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Acceptance
I majored in Psychology in University, and minored in Sociology - but it really should have been the other way around. I actually ended up taking more courses/getting more credits for Sociology classes. Of course then I got an after degree in Education and now I am working in the Publication/Business world. But I digress.
I took an awesome class about the Sociology of Death & Dying. We took a tour of the medical examiner's office. We learned about the Kübler-Ross model of the stages of grief. We also looked at another sociologist, who talked about how the stages existed on a sort of figure eight, and you could enter at any point, go through the 5 stages in any order, and even skip stages (maybe to come back to them later, maybe not). Kübler-Ross herself said that, "these stages do not necessarily come in order, nor are all stages experienced by all patients. She stated, however, that a person will always experience at least two of the stages. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect—switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it."
I know that I spent weeks vacillating between denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. Some of these stages were experienced when I first found those text messages between him and the neighbour, some when he admitted he slept with her (in Sept), and I continued to jump in and out of that figure eight of grief from his work Christmas party in December until now.
Every once in a while I will experience a fleeting moment of sadness or anger - but I truly believe I am entering into acceptance.
Here I am, continuing to move forward, 6 months after we separated.
For the most part I have taken back my maiden name - including my driver's license, my bank account & all other financial records, at work, and on social media. I am in the process of changing my marital status with the government.
It feels good. I feel like I am breaking free.
I took an awesome class about the Sociology of Death & Dying. We took a tour of the medical examiner's office. We learned about the Kübler-Ross model of the stages of grief. We also looked at another sociologist, who talked about how the stages existed on a sort of figure eight, and you could enter at any point, go through the 5 stages in any order, and even skip stages (maybe to come back to them later, maybe not). Kübler-Ross herself said that, "these stages do not necessarily come in order, nor are all stages experienced by all patients. She stated, however, that a person will always experience at least two of the stages. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect—switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it."
I know that I spent weeks vacillating between denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. Some of these stages were experienced when I first found those text messages between him and the neighbour, some when he admitted he slept with her (in Sept), and I continued to jump in and out of that figure eight of grief from his work Christmas party in December until now.
Every once in a while I will experience a fleeting moment of sadness or anger - but I truly believe I am entering into acceptance.
Here I am, continuing to move forward, 6 months after we separated.
For the most part I have taken back my maiden name - including my driver's license, my bank account & all other financial records, at work, and on social media. I am in the process of changing my marital status with the government.
It feels good. I feel like I am breaking free.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Rain & Clouds
I was having a really hard time last week. Feeling really down. I wasn't sleeping - not sure if the lack of sleep brought out the emotions, or if the emotions caused me to have trouble sleeping. Plus I got my updated driver's license with my maiden name, and now I am procrastinating about changing it back with my bank, work, etc
Last Monday (May 20) was Victoria Day, so we had a long weekend. I loved having the extra day off of work, but last year was when everything started to go down hill with my marriage. I broke my ankle on the May long weekend, and I was feeling crappy all weekend while camping with our friends (which we found out later was due to my gallbladder). Either May 25 or the Friday after that (June 1), was when my ex cheated on me. May 31 was when I was admitted to the hospital for my gallbladder.
It's not a period of time that I really want to relive, but memories kept popping in my head.
Fortunately my BFF Kristine texted me on Saturday, and we ended up going shopping together. Retail therapy made me feel better, plus spending time with an awesome friend. I ended up buying a new spring/summer/rain jacket. It was originally $120.00, already marked 50% off, and then it was an additional 30% off - so I got it for $42.00. Score! Plus it is pretty and blue and two sizes smaller than my fall jacket. It's a pinch tight in the chesticle area, but the next size up was way too big. I also bought a new swim suit, which was 50% off. I love buying clothes on sale. It makes me happy.
I have been trying to distract myself from over thinking the past, and doing the whole "what if I had done this. . . . " crap that also keeps running through my head. My youngest brother fixed up my bike, and so I had taken it out for a couple of spins. It was rainy and cool this weekend, but I am committed to getting out for a ride and some fresh air at least two times this week.
The other way I have been keeping my mind preoccupied is watching television. Specifically The West Wing right now. CTS started airing the episodes, but I have seasons 1 through 5 on DVD. So I pulled out my collection and started watching. I am now on season 3. On the weekend I also bought seasons 6 and 7 because they were on sale for $40 for the two of them together. I still find it intelligent and funny, I love the raid-fire dialogue, and the complicated & hard-hitting political story lines. Plus the banter between Josh & Donna is extremely entertaining. I even sucked my brother into watching the episodes with me.
Even though I am struggling emotionally, I am getting close to reaching some of my current weight loss goals. Early 2011 was the last time that I was attending Weight Watcher meetings on a regular basis. I lost almost 20 pounds before I let life get in the way again and stopped following the program. So in March of 2011 I was 290, right now I am 291.8, so close to my first goal of being below 290. Along with that, once I get to 289.8, I will have lost 25 pounds since I started back with Weight Watchers in November. Then my 10% goal is 283.8. After that my next big goal is to be below 273. In August of 2010, right before the wedding, I got down to 273. These smaller goals help me break up my weight loss so that it is not overwhelming.
It will only get better from here. I know there will still be some more dark days, but there is more sunshine in my future.
Last Monday (May 20) was Victoria Day, so we had a long weekend. I loved having the extra day off of work, but last year was when everything started to go down hill with my marriage. I broke my ankle on the May long weekend, and I was feeling crappy all weekend while camping with our friends (which we found out later was due to my gallbladder). Either May 25 or the Friday after that (June 1), was when my ex cheated on me. May 31 was when I was admitted to the hospital for my gallbladder.
It's not a period of time that I really want to relive, but memories kept popping in my head.
Fortunately my BFF Kristine texted me on Saturday, and we ended up going shopping together. Retail therapy made me feel better, plus spending time with an awesome friend. I ended up buying a new spring/summer/rain jacket. It was originally $120.00, already marked 50% off, and then it was an additional 30% off - so I got it for $42.00. Score! Plus it is pretty and blue and two sizes smaller than my fall jacket. It's a pinch tight in the chesticle area, but the next size up was way too big. I also bought a new swim suit, which was 50% off. I love buying clothes on sale. It makes me happy.
I have been trying to distract myself from over thinking the past, and doing the whole "what if I had done this. . . . " crap that also keeps running through my head. My youngest brother fixed up my bike, and so I had taken it out for a couple of spins. It was rainy and cool this weekend, but I am committed to getting out for a ride and some fresh air at least two times this week.
The other way I have been keeping my mind preoccupied is watching television. Specifically The West Wing right now. CTS started airing the episodes, but I have seasons 1 through 5 on DVD. So I pulled out my collection and started watching. I am now on season 3. On the weekend I also bought seasons 6 and 7 because they were on sale for $40 for the two of them together. I still find it intelligent and funny, I love the raid-fire dialogue, and the complicated & hard-hitting political story lines. Plus the banter between Josh & Donna is extremely entertaining. I even sucked my brother into watching the episodes with me.
Even though I am struggling emotionally, I am getting close to reaching some of my current weight loss goals. Early 2011 was the last time that I was attending Weight Watcher meetings on a regular basis. I lost almost 20 pounds before I let life get in the way again and stopped following the program. So in March of 2011 I was 290, right now I am 291.8, so close to my first goal of being below 290. Along with that, once I get to 289.8, I will have lost 25 pounds since I started back with Weight Watchers in November. Then my 10% goal is 283.8. After that my next big goal is to be below 273. In August of 2010, right before the wedding, I got down to 273. These smaller goals help me break up my weight loss so that it is not overwhelming.
It will only get better from here. I know there will still be some more dark days, but there is more sunshine in my future.
Monday, May 13, 2013
More Top Five: Pinterest Ideas I Would Like To Try
I came a little late to the Pinterest party. I initially signed up over a year ago, and I pinned a couple of recipes and favourite places/things. Then I kind of abandoned it.
When I started my new position in the Edmonton office on April 1, I found out that my two co-workers in the circulation department liked to have "pinterest breaks". They re-introduced me to Pinterest and now I am on there almost everyday.
So, here is a list of 5 things from Pinterest that I wold like to try to make:
5. Jewelry Organizer
I have a lot of necklaces and I like having them in an easy place to find. I do have a jewelry armoire, but it only holds about 16 -20 small/short necklaces. At one point I stuck a bunch of tiny 3M hooks on the inside door of my clothes armoire. Of course this means that some of the necklaces hit the shelves when the door closes and so it is always open a crack. I think something like this would be a better option.
4. Covered Brick Book Ends
I love to read. I do have a Kobo, but I also still have a variety of physical books as well. Right now I have a bunch of black, metal, office book ends. This would be pretty and an easy thing to change for different seasons/room decor.
3. Weight Loss Jars/Anchors
My first go around on WW, I had two small jars, and one was filled with pennies. Every time I lost a pound, I would move pennies over from one jar to another. This is the same idea but in larger scale with something that looks nicer than pennies. I also like that the jars are labelled.
2. Breakfast Quinoa
My go-to breakfast on work days is Special K Satisfaction cereal with 1% milk. It's fine, but it does get a little boring. I like oatmeal, and I like quinoa, so I thought cooking quinoa in milk and adding fruit would be delicious.
1. Chicken Salad with Greek Yogurt
Most of the time for lunch I have a salad with mixed greens, chicken, apple, cranberries and nuts/seeds. Then I add a fat free dressing (just a touch). Very yummy, but I would like to switch it up a little. I think that a low fat/fat free chicken salad in a wrap (whole wheat or lettuce) will be excellent.
I am not really a crafty person, but I do love using Pinterest to find recipes and quotes.
Check out Divulge With Dani and A Warm Cup of Jo for their Top Five Pinterest Lists.
When I started my new position in the Edmonton office on April 1, I found out that my two co-workers in the circulation department liked to have "pinterest breaks". They re-introduced me to Pinterest and now I am on there almost everyday.
So, here is a list of 5 things from Pinterest that I wold like to try to make:
5. Jewelry Organizer
I have a lot of necklaces and I like having them in an easy place to find. I do have a jewelry armoire, but it only holds about 16 -20 small/short necklaces. At one point I stuck a bunch of tiny 3M hooks on the inside door of my clothes armoire. Of course this means that some of the necklaces hit the shelves when the door closes and so it is always open a crack. I think something like this would be a better option.
4. Covered Brick Book Ends
I love to read. I do have a Kobo, but I also still have a variety of physical books as well. Right now I have a bunch of black, metal, office book ends. This would be pretty and an easy thing to change for different seasons/room decor.
3. Weight Loss Jars/Anchors
My first go around on WW, I had two small jars, and one was filled with pennies. Every time I lost a pound, I would move pennies over from one jar to another. This is the same idea but in larger scale with something that looks nicer than pennies. I also like that the jars are labelled.
2. Breakfast Quinoa
My go-to breakfast on work days is Special K Satisfaction cereal with 1% milk. It's fine, but it does get a little boring. I like oatmeal, and I like quinoa, so I thought cooking quinoa in milk and adding fruit would be delicious.
1. Chicken Salad with Greek Yogurt
Most of the time for lunch I have a salad with mixed greens, chicken, apple, cranberries and nuts/seeds. Then I add a fat free dressing (just a touch). Very yummy, but I would like to switch it up a little. I think that a low fat/fat free chicken salad in a wrap (whole wheat or lettuce) will be excellent.
I am not really a crafty person, but I do love using Pinterest to find recipes and quotes.
Check out Divulge With Dani and A Warm Cup of Jo for their Top Five Pinterest Lists.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Top Five - Fitness Goals for 2013 and Beyond
Ok, ok, I have been a lazy blogger . . . I have three drafts waiting to be finished and published. I am just going to do that over the next few days.
So first off, my friends Dani & Jo also have blogs, and they have been doing these "Top Five" lists on Fridays. I am going to join them.
A couple of weeks back the topics was "Fitness Goals for 2013 and Beyond". I made my list and now I am finally getting around to posting.
5. Record my weight loss goals and progress
I have the WW app and Etools, and at each meeting on Saturdays I record my weight. I also reset my starting weight to match what I weighed when I went back to WW on November 17 (314.8).
What I need to do now is take some pictures of me, and then continue to do this every month or two. I also want to take my measurements and record those as well.
4. Set up the Wii for my fitness related games
This summer, right before I broke my ankle, I bought two fitness games for the Wii. The first was EA Sports Active 2 (which came with monitors/bands that you place around your thigh and upper arm) and The Biggest Loser Challenge.
I want to get everything set up so that I can actually use these two games on my brother's Wii console.
3. Join a gym or fitness facility
When I lost the weight on WW the first time I walked to and from work everyday from spring until fall. When the weather started to get cooler, about a year after I started attending meetings, I joined Spa Lady. Every morning I would go to the gym for some cardio or weights or both.
When I moved to Calgary my hours had changed, and I found it difficult to work out my fitness schedule. Then I got a bad cold, missed a couple of weeks, and lost my really nice gym shoes. I ended up cancelling my membership. I feel the lack of exercise played a huge part in me gaining back almost all of the weight I lost.
My aunt (and sometimes ride to work), belongs to Gold's Gym with my uncle. We could go together in the mornings before work. Dani and I also discussed membership at the Y so we could do Aquasize classes together.
I am just not sure what I want to do. I don't feel ready to make a commitment. Maybe I should just try out the different options for a bit and see what works.
2. Use the recumbent bike while watching TV
I love watching TV. After a long day at work, all I want to do is relax with my favourite characters. My brother bought a new TV, and then he moved his recumbent bike out of his room and set it up in front of the new TV.
There is no excuse, I just need to get off my lazy ass and start by doing 15min every evening. I even have my exercise shoes right there by the bike ready to go.
1. Plan and track my exercise
Most of all I need to set up a plan to get moving, even if it is just a little bit each day. I also want to buy the new WW pedometer so that I can track my steps. Every small effort will help.
So first off, my friends Dani & Jo also have blogs, and they have been doing these "Top Five" lists on Fridays. I am going to join them.
A couple of weeks back the topics was "Fitness Goals for 2013 and Beyond". I made my list and now I am finally getting around to posting.
5. Record my weight loss goals and progress
I have the WW app and Etools, and at each meeting on Saturdays I record my weight. I also reset my starting weight to match what I weighed when I went back to WW on November 17 (314.8).
What I need to do now is take some pictures of me, and then continue to do this every month or two. I also want to take my measurements and record those as well.
4. Set up the Wii for my fitness related games
This summer, right before I broke my ankle, I bought two fitness games for the Wii. The first was EA Sports Active 2 (which came with monitors/bands that you place around your thigh and upper arm) and The Biggest Loser Challenge.
I want to get everything set up so that I can actually use these two games on my brother's Wii console.
3. Join a gym or fitness facility
When I lost the weight on WW the first time I walked to and from work everyday from spring until fall. When the weather started to get cooler, about a year after I started attending meetings, I joined Spa Lady. Every morning I would go to the gym for some cardio or weights or both.
When I moved to Calgary my hours had changed, and I found it difficult to work out my fitness schedule. Then I got a bad cold, missed a couple of weeks, and lost my really nice gym shoes. I ended up cancelling my membership. I feel the lack of exercise played a huge part in me gaining back almost all of the weight I lost.
My aunt (and sometimes ride to work), belongs to Gold's Gym with my uncle. We could go together in the mornings before work. Dani and I also discussed membership at the Y so we could do Aquasize classes together.
I am just not sure what I want to do. I don't feel ready to make a commitment. Maybe I should just try out the different options for a bit and see what works.
2. Use the recumbent bike while watching TV
I love watching TV. After a long day at work, all I want to do is relax with my favourite characters. My brother bought a new TV, and then he moved his recumbent bike out of his room and set it up in front of the new TV.
There is no excuse, I just need to get off my lazy ass and start by doing 15min every evening. I even have my exercise shoes right there by the bike ready to go.
1. Plan and track my exercise
Most of all I need to set up a plan to get moving, even if it is just a little bit each day. I also want to buy the new WW pedometer so that I can track my steps. Every small effort will help.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Settling In
It's hard to believe that it has been a month since my last post. A lot has happened in the past few weeks.
A cousin of my husband's visited us from March 26th to the 31st. Her daughters were in a synchronized swimming competition and we had agreed she could stay with us months ago. It was fine, but my husband forgot to remind me that she was coming until a few days before she arrived. Also, the one night he left us to hang out together while he went to be with his girlfriend.
My two younger brothers helped me pack up all my stuff in a rental truck on March 23. He headed up to Edmonton the same day and unloaded. The next day when we returned the truck would have made a funny episode of a comedy show. First my brother's phone was having issues so it died and his alarm did not go off. When he finally showed up, my vehicle would not start, and so I drove his. Except he has a loose battery lead, so he had to wiggle the wires to make it start. Then we got separated, and since his phone was dead I could not call him. Plus the address I gave him for the drop off location was incorrect. We tried to relay messages through our other brother back at home. His vehicle died on me again. Finally we met up at a different Budget location and dropped off the truck.
I stayed in Edmonton for a couple of nights and then headed back to Calgary on the morning of March 26 for my last few days in the Calgary office. I stayed with my former manager at her home. On March 28 I drove back to Edmonton for Easter with my family. April 1 to 5 was my first week in my new position. Then back to Calgary from April 8 to 10 to train my replacement. Today I am in Edmonton, but covering the receptionist. On Wednesday I am back in Calgary again for two days. Hopefully it will be the last of all of this back and forth.
My bedroom and bathroom are all set up at my parent's house. In the basement I have my couch and I got Shaw to set up my PVR on my brother's tv down there. He also moved his recumbent bike out of his room, so we can both use that for exercise. I just need to unpack the last few boxes of books/CDs/DVDs this week.
At first it was a bit weird, almost like I was visiting. Slowly I am getting settled. After three trips back to Calgary (including this week), I think I will finally have all of my stuff in Edmonton. I am tired of all the hoops I have to jump through, especially in regards to the vehicle. Sometimes it feels like I am being punished when my husband was the asshole that gave up on our relationship and cheated on me.
I have gone to two Weight Watchers meetings with my one BFF, and saw a movie with the other BFF.
Everything will work out for the better, it's just a bit of a rocky road right now. The month of May will have less traveling. The month of June will be when I can truly start to make a dent in my debts. I also want to plane a trip to the house in Victoria this summer. I am actually looking forward to the future. That is a good thing.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Wishing for a Little Payback
Is it wrong of me that I just really want karma to bite my husband in the ass, really hard?
I just don't understand how it seems like he can just throw away the past 5 years without caring. It makes me so angry. My world is spinning apart and he goes out most nights and doesn't come home until I am already asleep.
Although I believe if he was hurting as much as I am, then we would still be together trying to work things out. Still, I want him to hurt. I want him to feel lost and experience repercussions for being the selfish, lazy, asshole that abandoned me.
I just keep telling myself that I only have one more night sleeping in that house. Then my younger brothers are driving down, packing up a truck, and we are taking everything up to Edmonton. I will be back in Calgary on Tuesday morning to finish up a few things at the office - but I am going to stay with my VP of Sales for Tuesday & Wednesday night.
Thursday night I will make that trip north up the QE2 one last time.
A part of me never wants to see my husband's face again. I just want to erase our whole relationship like the delete button on a computer. It wasn't that it was all bad, it's just that I look back and fee like I got nothing out of our marriage. Sure we had fun together, most of the time, but now it just all feels trivial and pointless. I ended up gaining back most of the weight I lost. I think it was a sign of how unhealthy the situation was for me. I hate that I was so desperate for love and a future with a husband & children that I failed to step back and analyze what I was doing, take a sharp look at what I was getting into. I was naive.
I guess love really is blind.
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